A Happier New Year.

We are a few days in to a brand new year, one in which Ray and I are hoping to regain our health, or at least have improvements, what level this will be at, we do not yet know.

Last Monday I had a break from driving as my sister Sharon took me to hospital. As I wasn’t driving I was able to watch the world go by, it was a day for birds, I saw two Swans on the lakes by Latimer Road, a Heron in the river Chess, and when we were walking back to the car park, there were three feral Monks Parakeets eating berries in a tree (I think it might be a Flowering Dogwood).

Monks Parakeet

The last few nights have been an experience, on Thursday Ray missed taking his Tramadol at midday, and late afternoon, as his pain levels were manageable, he decided that he would try going without his night time dose too, he didn’t tell me his plan or I might have been better prepared.

I now think that if you can manage without Tramadol then do so, as the coming off it is horrible. Thursday night neither of us got much sleep, Ray felt fidgety, anxious, had trembling, nausea, headache, and felt generally unwell. Whenever he had dozed off to sleep, he began to twitch, I think he went through almost every muscle in his body. I was getting very fed up, just as I was about to doze off, one part or other would begin twitching, at one point I thought Ray must have been dreaming about playing a piano, but on me, right on one of my tickly spots, I was not amused!

The next morning we both felt rough, Ray looked up the withdrawal effects from Tramadol and he was going through all of them, so he told me that he was going to stop taking them. The withdrawal effects last around 48 hours, so we had another disturbed night to get through, but at least we were both aware of what to expect.

Thankfully by last night, enough time had passed since Ray’s last dose that we both got a good sleep, I don’t remember waking at all, which is excellent! This afternoon Ray and I took the Christmas decorations down and packed them away for another year. I was having a horrible hot flush, felt overheated and was sweating badly when Ray’s friend Kevin called round, I felt embarrassed but told myself that Kevin wouldn’t make anything of it, he is a good bloke. The Tamoxifen induced hot flushes and sweating are distressing, I will be grateful when they reduce in ferocity, hopefully it will be soon. The fan in our bedroom is usually packed away in the loft for the winter, but it is still in our room as I need to use it every day.


Tomorrow, I will have the first of three ‘Booster’ Radiotherapy treatments, once these are done, I will have finished, and I will be so pleased to be through it. So my next challenge will be preparing to return to work, this is going to need a lot of consideration. On Thursday I saw the Consultant Radiotherapist for a mid-treatment check-up, she told me it will be two weeks from finishing Radiotherapy before the full side effects will become apparent, and then another two weeks for them to wane. So I am unsure when I will feel well enough to work part time, hopefully my GP will be able to give me some advice when I see her on Friday. I do not want to go back too soon and have to then go back off sick again, it is a dilemma.

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A Quiet Christmas and Back to Radiotherapy.

It is a while since my last post on 19th December, I have been enjoying quiet time with my family, it was just Ray, Megan, Josh, Liza and I on Christmas day. We decided to break from our tradition of opening presents after dinner, to opening in the morning which was a good move as we had more time for board games in the afternoon, ‘Countdown’ was a laugh!

Josh and Liza went to visit Liza’s family on Boxing Day so it was just the three of us. Saturday we had a quick tidy up ready for my sister Sharon and her husband Mike being with us on Sunday and Monday. Sharon and Mike brought their two dogs with them so Shadow had friends to play with, he gets excited when he realises who has come to visit.

Sharon and Mike did some work in the garden for us, something which was much needed as I haven’t been able to do any of it, Ray and I carried cuttings to the garden bin which was as much as we could manage.

These quiet days between Christmas and the New Year, I have found myself in reflective mood. I have been thinking about my Mum, Dad and my longest surviving Grandparent – Nana Rose Billing, all now no longer with us (Granddad Billing died before I was born, Nana & Granddad Saunders died in 1976 and 1977, whilst I was at secondary school).

In the half term break, October 1977, my family and I went to Bath for the week, my sister Nicola was getting married the following summer, so this was our last chance to have a family holiday. One morning my Dad choked on his toast, it really scared me, I didn’t know what to do, that was the start of it, but none of us realised the significance until months later. I don’t remember exactly when, it happened but my Dad became ill, initially with Endocarditis, a rare and potentially fatal type of heart infection. It’s specifically an infection of the inner lining of the heart (the endocardium), he also had Septicaemia (now known as Sepsis).

After further investigation, it was discovered that the underlying cause of these illnesses was Stomach and Oesophageal Cancer, Dad had surgery to remove it, followed by Chemotherapy. The cancer Metastasised, my Dad had several operations, some to remove tumours and some to ‘improve his quality of life’ and also further Chemotherapy, he went through so much, he died on 8th August 1982, aged 53, I was 19 years old.

This is probably the last photo that I have of my parents together, taken at in May 1982 at the party for Ray’s and my Engagement, 3 months before Dad passed away.

Mum & Dad

When Ray and I were making arrangements for our wedding, my mum suggested that I ask an Uncle to give me away at the church, but it was important to me that my Dad was not substituted by someone who had not played a major role in my upbringing. Even though this is traditionally a male responsibility, I was pleased that my Mum agreed to give me away.

It was not many more years until my Mum was diagnosed with Cancer too, hers was Waldenström’s Macroglobulinaemia (WM – also known as Lymphoplasmacytic Lymphoma) which is a rare type of non-Hodgkin lymphoma. This is a cancer of the lymphatic system, it affects bone marrow and blood composition. It was inoperable and Bone Marrow Transplantation was not an option, the only treatment available was several courses of Chemotherapy to control the cancer enough to relieve the symptoms. This was 22 years ago so treatment options may have progressed since then. My mum died aged 61 on 3rd July 1992, six weeks before Josh was born, I was 29 years old.

In 2001, my Nan was approaching her 100th Birthday, she insisted that she did not want a party, so my family and I planned to hold a small surprise celebration for her. Well, my Nan was a determined lady, she made sure that there would be no party, sadly Nan passed away in her sleep, two weeks before her 100th birthday.

This photo was taken at Christmas 1985.

Sophie 005

The Ghosts of Christmas Past, L to R –  Brother-in-Law Mike, married to my sister Sharon, parents to Andrew and Sophie, and now have four Grandsons, Nana Rose Billing, age 83, sadly deceased at age 99 and 50 weeks (Feb 1901 – Jan 2001) Me, age 22, My Mum, Rosemary, age 55, also sadly deceased at age 61 (Sep 1930 – Jul 1992), Ray age 22, Andrew, age 3, now married to Hannah and have three sons, my sister Sharon, Sophie age 15 months, now married to Toby, and have recently had a baby boy. Ray and I, Mum and Dad to Megan and Josh. This picture was taken in our first home, in Chelmsford, Essex.

My Mother – in – Law passed away in July last year from Metastasised Ovarian Cancer, so Ray and I have possibly had above average experience of Terminal Cancers. So what should you say to someone who has just received a diagnosis of Cancer? I came across a web page Caroline whose blog I have been following –


Caroline works at Macmillan Cancer Support, and has shared a link to a very useful page:

“Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say, or how to help when a friend or family member has cancer.

The Source is a collection of simple, practical tips from people who’ve been there.

Because no one should face cancer alone.”


A ‘tip’ which stood out to me is this one:


my dad got diagnosed with throat cancer about a year ago the thing that annoyed him is people assume that you’re okay by the way you look people don’t realise the effect cancer has on a person the emotional and mental side remember the scars might not be seen but they are there. Always ask how the person is listen to them and give them support when needed.

I too have been told I ‘look well’, and yes, I do look OK most of the time, but then it is easier to put on a happy face than to show how bad I might really be feeling. I have moments when the darkness hits me, I woke this morning deep in the gloom, I hadn’t had a good night and felt too tired to think about getting to Mount Vernon for Radiotherapy in the afternoon. In fact I really didn’t want to go, about all I felt like doing was snuggling back under the covers and staying there all day. But that’s not what I did, I dragged myself out of bed, did my exercises, showered, dressed and ate breakfast, I did eventually feel more positive. Today Ray and I went in to The Lynda Jackson Macmillan Centre at the hospital, we found out about the Relaxation Sessions and arranged for both of us to go next Tuesday morning, and booked a Therapy treatment for myself next Thursday. It will be Reiki or Massage dependant on what the therapist feels will be most beneficial for me, so I have that to look forward to.


Something a Little Different for Christmas Eve, Eve

I have been working on this little piece today, it is just for fun and my own amusement, today just felt like a day to break free from the mundane and venture in to an attempt at escapism, I hope you like it 🙂

An Insomniacs Poem for Christmas.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Dee alone was stirring, and maybe, the shed’s resident mouse,

The presents had been wrapped in a last minute rush,

And now in the house, was the stillness of hush,

Shadow lay snoring in his cosy bed,

While visions of chasing cats played through his head,

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His dreamtime woofs gently sounding about,

Those cats do need chasing, of that there’s no doubt,

When out in the garden there began a fierce yowling,

Which set Shadow off with some wide awake growling,

Two cats had appeared and were deep in combat,

That Shadow wanted to chase them, well that was a fact,

Christmas Shadow

The New Moon barely shed light on the whiteness of frost,

If I let Shadow out it will be at a cost,

His barking may wake children, snug in their beds,

They might just spy Santa as he zooms overhead,

His Reindeer in front, pull the loaded up sleigh,

Delivering presents before break of day,

Their hooves they do fly in the twinkling night sky,

So swift, if you blink, you might miss them pass by,

“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!

And Rudolf he leads, with his nose all aglow,

Lights up their way, wherever they go,


Away to the rooftops, where owls mournfully call,

Now fast away, no, not that way, down this way all!”

Stockings, like magic, have been filled to the brim,

But did children spy Santa? No sight of him,

As Dee returned, bleary eyed to her bed,

Visions of wonder flowed through her head,

She heard someone calling, though the sound was but slight.

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

Dee Rutty 23 December 2014

Stroke Update, Eyes, Breast Pain and Here Come the Side Effects.

It is now just over a week since Ray’s last visit to the hospital so I thought it was time I updated on his progress. There is no change in his speech, he still has the lisp which sounds quite cute, there is something very endearing about it. There is also no change with the difficulty chewing and swallowing. Ray wakes up in the morning with pain, but once he has taken the first dose of Tramadol and then continues to take it regularly, it is bearable and under control for the remainder of the day.

Ray had an appointment with his GP on Monday as his sickness certificate had expired, Dr Hussain has now signed Ray off work until the 9th of February 2015. Since having the continual pain, and with not being able to do much, Ray has been feeling low, so they discussed him having anti-depressants, Ray felt it was best for him to start taking them before giving it a chance to take hold so now has these to take too. It is fortunate we decided to buy a Prescription Pre-Payment Card, as Ray now has four different types of tablets to take each day.


Ray taken on our holiday to Cumbria in June

This morning two letters from hospitals arrived, one was a copy of the report sent from Wycombe Hospital to Ray’s GP, it has details of his diagnosis in proper medical terms, so here it is:

Left hypoglossal nervy palsy – due to left internal carotid aneurysm dissection at skull base.

Ray has felt well enough to come with me for my Radiotherapy since Wednesday, it is so good to have his company, in this and at home. I think I would be feeling very lonely without him, although I would like the circumstances to be different, I am grateful he is home with me.

The other letter was for me, from King Edward VII Hospital, with an appointment for the Pre-Op Assessment Clinic on 14th January at the Prince Charles Eye Unit. This is in preparation for the removal of the Scleral Buckle in my left eye. All being well, the operation will be done around two weeks later, ah, just in time for my birthday then. I hope that the removal will not cause so much disturbance as occurred when it was fitted. I had a general anaesthetic for the fitting, for the removal I will be having local anaesthetic only, I am very nervous about this, but I have resolved that if Ray can get himself in the MRI Scanner, then I can cope with being conscious for my eye operation. Fingers crossed!


This photo was taken a few days after the operation.

And now, back to breasts! You may recall that I had asked one of the Radiotherapists about the discomfort in my right breast, the staff had reviewed my scans and apparently it is being caused by two Seroma in the breast putting pressure on the remaining breast tissue. If the seroma get any larger and begin to distort the measurements then they will need to do something about them, but for now it’s a case of grin and bear it.

Yesterday evening I began to feel some itchiness in the skin between my breasts, it has persisted today. Putting my bra on this morning, I noticed that the skin was tender where it touches my skin particularly around the bottom band, so begin the side effects of the Radiotherapy.

I mentioned it today at my treatment session, the advice was to switch to E45 cream and to make up Camomile Tea, wait for it to cool and bathe my skin with it. I will try these suggestions out, sitting here this evening, even my ‘crop top’ bra is making me feel sore, trouble is that going unsupported is uncomfortable, swinging about on the loose is not pleasant for tender boobies.

Bra and Shopping

‘Allo ‘Allo – The Fallen Madonna with the Sore Boobie

Yes, having my boobs on display on an almost daily basis is making me feel a little like a ‘Fallen Madonna’, my boobies may not be big, but I can claim to have one sore right side boobie, do you think that will count?

Fallen Madonna

I can understand how each woman’s and indeed man’s experience of breast cancer is different, I am one woman having treatment for two breasts, and they are each very different in their reaction to surgery and radiotherapy.

My left breast/underarm area is taking on the role of ‘perfect patient’, healing nicely, hardly noticeable scars, no seroma and, (so far) no issues from Radiotherapy. In fact you would probably not notice that there has been anything amiss to look at it, the only complaint is discomfort in my shoulder when my arm is raised above my head during radiotherapy treatment.

My right breast however, is being ‘difficult patient’ healing nicely but not tidily – strange shaped slightly sunken areola, nipple now lying flat in an upwards direction, oedema, pulling and lumpy bumpiness, underarm three times aspirated, and hard lumpy scar tissue. Even though I have only had four treatments, the radiotherapy seems to be making the fluid filled area from which the lesion was removed on my right side quite hard already, I’m not sure if this is coincidental or a side effect, I will have to ask. And both the breast and the underarm scar are tender, I have to treat the area very gently when applying twice-daily moisturiser (this is to help keep the skin in the best possible condition to cope with the radiotherapy).

Both breasts have sharp stabbing pains periodically, they mostly only last for a short time but if you see me clutching one or both of my breasts, this is the reason. I have stopped taking the Co-Codamol as I found that they were the cause of my disturbed sleep, I am now sleeping much better, and now taking just Ibuprofen as necessary.

Christmas is nearly upon us, Ray and I have written and posted our cards to distant relatives and friends, but we still have the local ones to get done. Yesterday we went and bought a ‘Value’ Christmas Tree from ‘Chesham Christmas Tree Farm’, if you are local and haven’t already got a real tree, pay it a visit, highly recommended! Josh ventured up in to the loft this morning and brought down the decorations. I had a snooze after lunch, and then went off for my radiotherapy session. I asked about the hard lumps in my right breast, Callum, one of today’s radiotherapy team said it was too soon for it to be caused by the treatment. They would not normally expect any reaction to occur before about ten days of treatment, so he would email Dr Makepeace to let him know about it.

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I decorated our tree when I got home,

Star Trek

Ray helped by sitting across the room so he could see all of the tree and directing me to which bits needed more baubles, and it looks lovely and festive. I also set up the Nativity in the fireplace, this probably isn’t a very good picture but you get the idea 🙂

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I found this meme today, it eloquently expresses my feelings on positivity, and not being able to always maintain it through all of life’s challenges

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Three Down – Twelve, Plus Three Boosters To Go

I have been so looking forward to having this weekend off from my Radiotherapy. Three days of travel, waiting my turn in the Linear Accelerator, stripping off from the waist up, laying on what feels like a mortuary slab and being moved about by various Radiographers to get all my dots lined up and the measurements all set to the correct places has been hard going. I have been fine with having my breasts exposed in the interests of their health so far, but yesterday I felt exposed and just a little bit violated. The Radiotherapy staff are brilliant, I have no complaint with them, it is the procedure they need to go through each time that I found stressful. I have a full five days of Radiotherapy to ‘look forward to’ in the coming week, this is the only full week for me as I have days off for Christmas, Boxing Day and New Year’s day, oh the joy!


For those of you with no experience of Radiotherapy for Breast Cancer I will do my best to explain. The Linear Accelerator room is cold, I strip off the top half of my clothes, climb up on to the platform, trying to get myself positioned centrally and with my shoulders in the right place. If I get it wrong the Radiotherapists ask me to shuffle about until I’m positioned correctly. Then it is time to line up my dots with the green lines which shine across my body. The Radiotherapists move my arms and torso about until the measurements match my treatment plan, they call out the measurements to each other, one moves me and the other reads the figures out, and then they both check again that they agree to the plan.

The Linear Accelerator is moved in to the first position and the measurements checked, it is then moved around to the second position and the measurements checked. When both Radiotherapists are satisfied, they leave the room and the treatment session begins.

I have approximately 30 seconds of treatment for both positions, as well as a short burst of targeted treatment where shutters move across the Collimator to reduce the beam area, again in both positions. The Collimator is a part of the Linear Accelerator device that narrows the beam of radiation waves. Not sure if that makes sense, but I can’t think of any other way to describe it.

Then the whole process is repeated for the other breast.

I will just have to grin and bear it, yesterday was the first time I have felt a lack of dignity in my treatment, I thought I was OK with it, but obviously not as much as I had believed.

Cross-sectional view of a woman receiving radiation to the breast area


A Middle radiation beam
B Side radiation beam
C Bright yellow: place where radiation is given to the breast
D Rib cage/chest wall
E Heart
F Lungs
G Backbone
H Sternum/breastbone

Image from: http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/radiation/types/ext

Today I should have been writing Christmas cards but I can’t seem to raise any enthusiasm for the task. I usually enjoy Christmas preparations but not this year, it all feels like too much effort, I just don’t have the inclination or energy to spare.

This morning, Megan and I popped in to town as she needed to get some things for a Christmas Party this evening, I enjoyed being out of the house for a purpose other than going to hospital. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and the air was crisp, the perfect winter’s day.

The short excursion was enough, I had a nap after lunch. This afternoon I have done very little, I’m looking forward to watching Strictly this evening, love the dancing and the sparkly dresses.

Ray has been feeling bad about not being able to travel to Essex to see his Dad, He has been visiting his Dad every other weekend since his Mum died and wants to be there for him.

Today is a ‘down’ day, I’m not feeling particularly chirpy and Ray is not feeling well either. I knew from the information I have read that fatigue was possible during cancer treatment, I didn’t appreciate how much it was going to affect me. I had hoped that I would still be able to do things, maybe not my usual weekend walks with Shadow, but at least do some craft work and Christmas preparations.

I am frustrated that even the smallest task uses up my energy resources, going out twice in the same day or even for more than a couple of hours is enough to make me feel so tired that I just want to crawl in to bed and hibernate. Feeling this way leaches positivity, it is hard to be up-beat about this illness with such low energy levels. To be honest Ray being ill is not helping, at a time when I really need his support, and by this I mean practical and emotional. The first is the most vital thing for me, particularly help with driving, but as Ray is unable to drive for four weeks, I have no other option. Both of us are unable to carry anything heavy, so have to rely on Megan and Josh to help out, this too comes hard, we are used to being ‘the parents’ and even though they are now adults, being able to care for our family is what we do.


Ray and I are both independent people, more used to offering help to others than asking for help for ourselves, so needing help is a challenge for us both. We have both had plenty of offers of help from friends, and for this we are very grateful, but please understand that it is hard for us to accept, we have no wish to offend anyone, it is for us to learn that there are times when asking is what we must do.


What I really want for Christmas is a happy, fit and healthy Ray, knowing that Santa will be unable to deliver is heart-breaking, this situation is beyond our control, and I am beginning to feel that I am sinking under the stress of it all.


Today’s update – Angelic Warrior.

2014-12-10 18.15.22 So Wycombe Hospital, Medical Day Unit Assessment Clinic (MDUAC), here we are again. It has to be said that all the staff we have met, related to both my breast cancer, and Ray’s stroke have been awesome. At the MDUAC today Nurse Bridget was taking care of Ray again, she was great last time we were there and was lovely today too. Ray was being sent for his MRI as early as possible so that we could leave on time for my Radiotherapy, he had 10 mg of Diazepam, Ray was less stressed this time which was a relief. However when he was having the MRI he couldn’t cope with it and had to have the scan aborted. He was brought out to calm down, and after some discussion and persuasion we agreed that Ray would give it another try with me going in with him. So I had to quickly fill out a medical form and strip off everything I had on made from metal. So in we went, Ray was set up with headphones ready for his AC/DC ‘Back in Black’ CD and had the cage put round his head. I was given a plastic chair and ear defenders, at the last minute I remembered that I was still wearing my metal framed glasses, so I took them off and put then down next to my chair. I spent the whole time Ray was in the scanner holding his hand and stroking his leg, and the good news is that Ray managed to stay in the scanner long enough for the images to be taken, Yay!!! So I am his angel of mercy 🙂 a calming presence to keep him strong 🙂 When I went to put my glasses back on, they had moved four feet away across the floor from where I had left them!

So the results are that Ray’s problem has not got worse which is excellent news. He has a dissection of the Left Carotid Artery (I think it is the ‘Common’ one) causing an Aneurysm (a balloon-like bulge in the wall of the Artery), the Artery has three layers and it is the innermost layer which has become damaged and allowed blood to get between the walls. This Dissection is a tear under which blood has collected causing a restriction and reducing the oxygen to the nerve (nerve 12) and also swelling and pressurising the nerve, this nerve controls the left side of the tongue and throat. At present it is expected that the Dissection will heal but this will take around six to eight months. If there is no improvement then Dr Burns will consider putting a Stent in to the Artery or to Seal it up completely. They are both risky procedures but the first is less risky than the second so will only be carried out if absolutely necessary.

Dr Burns wants Ray to rest as much as possible until the new year, he has advised against doing any entertaining over Christmas, just to keep things calm and quiet. Ray will have a follow up appointment in January to see how things are going. Another good result is that Ray has at last been given some decent pain relief, he has Tramadol, the drug he had requested at the Doctors on Monday but they were unwilling to prescribe it as it is a controlled drug. So on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the most painful, Ray’s pain today has gone from an 8 to a 2, this is so much better for him as the pain was really getting him down. Dr Aubrietia came to see Ray and we talked about Ray’s limitations whilst he recovers. Ray is not to do anything involving twisting his head quickly, so no driving or golf, no sports generally, and as he was too embarrassed to ask, I said what about sex, it appears that this is also off the menu unless we can manage it without raising Ray’s blood pressure! Just as well there is so much more to our relationship that sex 😉 2014-05-08 07.13.02 After Ray was discharged from the ward, we headed off to Mount Vernon Hospital for my first Radiotherapy Treatment. Fortunately it was a good journey and we had time to buy some more reduced charge parking tokens and to have a coffee and cake in the café. I have become so accustomed to being treated in the Breast Unit that I forget that the Radiotherapy Department deals with all kinds of cancers, there was another lady waiting for her session who was having the treatment for Bowel Cancer. After a shortish wait, I was called in, I was asked to strip off everything from the waist up, and then to lay on the platform, I told the Radiographers that this was just perfect as I have been looking forward to a rest all day! The two Radiographers spent a long time checking the measurements, moving me around so that my Tattoo dots were lined up with the laser light correctly. Once I was positioned for my right breast, they left the room, took an x-ray to check that all was correctly placed, then began the treatment.

The procedure was the same for my left breast, the actual Radiotherapy didn’t take long at all, I was allowed to have a sheet of paper to cover me up, and this actually helped to keep me from getting frozen. Once the treatment was finished, I got dressed and Ray and I set off for home. We got back just after five.

After a stressful day, I went and laid down for half an hour before dinner as I felt so tired, it was wonderful to stretch myself out after spending most of the day in an uncomfortable upright chair. I need to get myself off to bed so good night all, may the Angels hold you as you sleep ❤ 2012-06-03 17.54.17

Feeling Low

Monday was a good day, Jenny and Howard from work came to see me, it was lovely to see them and catch up on the latest news from the office. However, it can be laborious trying to explain how a diagnosis of Cancer, its treatment process and Remission are and will affect my life, to those that have no experience or knowledge of it.

Ray and I didn’t go out anywhere, we mostly rested, catching up on some TV and doing a couple of loads of laundry.

Today however had been a different day altogether, Ray has been in so much pain on the back-left side of his head and neck that I decided that we should do something about it. I telephoned the surgery to ask if the doctor could prescribe some pain relief for Ray but this couldn’t be done without an appointment so we went off to see the doctor. After a wait we saw the doctor, another different doctor, so Ray had to explain what has been happening from the beginning and then go through the usual checks which we are learning off by heart. The doctor decided she needed to consult with the hospital before prescribing anything, she asked us to go to the waiting room and she would call us after speaking to the hospital. Two hours after arriving at the surgery the receptionist called Ray over to say that the hospital still hadn’t called back and that we should go home, the doctor would telephone later.

We were just having lunch when the doctor called, she said that Dr Burns wanted to see Ray again and would call to confirm arrangements. Dr Burns secretary called to say Ray should go to the Medical Day Unit Assessment Clinic (MDUAC) for an 11 am appointment. A short while later Dr Burns called to say he now wanted Ray to be at the MDUAC for 9 am to have sedation for another MRI Scan. Hopefully Ray will be able to leave in time for me to head across the county for my first Radiotherapy Treatment later in the afternoon, otherwise I will have to leave him there and send Josh to collect him.

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The afternoon deteriorated from then on, whilst we had been at the doctors, a message had been left giving some upsetting news.

This has almost been the last straw, I felt very close to breaking point, but I just have to keep going, there really is no other option.

Dont be afraid

A Quiet Few Days

A new week and a new month, so now we have December, Radiotherapy month begins. On Monday my lovely friend Jan came to visit, she brought a bunch of daffodils, a little promise of spring to cheer a gloomy December day.


We told her all about our adventures over the last week or so, we probably bored her silly! The rest of the day was uneventful, ah, but I am forgetting, our oven decided that it had been limping along for long enough. And now, just before Christmas might be a good time to throw a wobbly and switch off the gas to the main oven in a thoroughly unpredictable manner, as we discovered when Liza and Josh took their pizza out to find that it hadn’t been properly cooked. That explains why yesterday’s roast Pork wasn’t ready when it should have been.

Later, in the afternoon John, the vicar at Ray’s church came to visit, he is such a calm cheerful person, a welcome gift of peacefulness after a stressful week. 

2014-03-13 18.13.04

Tuesday, we received our first Christmas card!! Thank you Sarah 🙂 Ray and I took Shadow for a gentle walk to the park, then home to think about the cooker issue. Ray knew that the problem was a malfunctioning thermostatic valve, so we went to the two electrical appliance shops in town to ask about getting it repaired, but both said that it wasn’t worth the expense and it would be more cost effective to replace it.

After having a chat about it Ray and I decided that some money we have been saving for a nice holiday we would instead use some of it to buy a new cooker. And as our rather aged 11+ years old washing machine is also whining and complaining to such an extent that it aborts on the spin cycle and beeps out an error message, we will replace it at the same time.

So Ray spent the afternoon researching possible replacements on-line and we chose which cooker and machine to order.

Wednesday we were due to go back to Wycombe Hospital for Ray to have the ‘Full Darth Vader Mask’ MRI Scan with full IV sedation, but Dr Aubrietia phoned to say that Dr Burns (Stroke Specialist) and Dr Jackson (Neurologist) had been looking more closely at the scan images they already had, and were sure that they could see where the problem was. So Ray did not need to have another MRI Scan, the plan is that both Doctors will take the scan images with them to show to another more senior specialist at John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford next week. If he agrees with their opinion then they will be able to decide on a treatment plan. So now we wait, but at least we are saved the stress of getting Ray in to the ‘Darth Vader’ Scanner mask again, for the time being….

Thursday, another quiet day beginning with a walk with Shadow. I have noticed over the last few days that I have had pain in my right shoulder and that my upper arms are feeling tense. So I have been making more of an effort to do my exercises to help ease the muscles and tendons. I got out of the habit of doing my twice daily routine after all the trauma and rushing about last week. Hopefully I will be able to loosen everything up and build up to the recommended three times each day ready for Radiotherapy next week.


I have noticed that my right breast and shoulder area have been giving me trouble intermittently, and to a lesser extent, have had discomfort in my left breast. I find that it strikes after I have lifted anything with some weight to it, carrying milk from the supermarket trolley to the car and then in to the kitchen is a common culprit. I am still taking Co-Codamol before bed as this is when I get the most pain in my right shoulder and aching breasts, during the day I am managing with Ibuprofen as and when required. It amazes me how many everyday actions use chest muscles, even yawning can pull on my chest. I’ve been getting a lot of pain in my legs, my thigh bones are hurting when I get up off the couch and the pain when I get in to bed keeps me awake. I have no idea what this is all about, perhaps it is just to do with getting older.

But I am otherwise healthy, have the best husband in the world, and a loving family and friends who are all there for me, without them things would be very different. I have so much to be grateful for, there are so many things money can’t buy, like a good laugh with Ray over our sex life – sadly on hold, as well as the ‘breast’ issue, I’m worried about raising Ray’s blood pressure and pulse rate, I don’t want him collapsing on me!! And Bear hugs are still off the menu, however, we can manage a cuddle, a snuggle, and a smooch, under the present circumstances, who could ask for more than that?

2014-11-25 10.18.58

A Better Frame of Mind

After yesterday’s mammoth essay, today’s post will be an easier read, I promise!

This morning, as Ray and I had our customary coffee in bed, we were talking about what has been going on in our lives over the last few weeks, and I resolved to be more positive today. Yes, Ray and I do have significant health problems, but as Ray says, they could be worse, my Bi-lateral Breast Cancer was caught early and Ray could have been much more badly affected by his TIA. Ray’s tongue and throat semi-paralysis have not improved since they first appeared, this means that he now speaks with a lisp and has to be careful when eating and drinking as there is a risk of debris going down his Trachea (Wind Pipe). Ray’s speech is variable, sometimes he just has the lisp and at other times the impediment is more pronounced and I have to ask him to repeat what he has said, although I am slowly learning to decipher more easily what Ray is saying. Eating a meal takes him a lot longer than it used to, the Doctors have not been able to say if these problems will improve with time.

2014-04-10 17.51.13After breakfast, Ray and I went to get some groceries, and since neither of us are able to carry very much we only got the essentials and distributed the weight over several bags.

Ray and I on my company Summer Party, a boat trip down the Thames, before Cancer and TIA were part of our daily lives.


My chest pain has eased today, I have managed with Neurofen Plus, but the swelling in my right breast is still the same. This afternoon Ray and I didn’t feel up to doing any kitchen sorting, so instead we have watched ‘Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang’, perfect Sunday afternoon viewing 🙂

My body must be recovering from the stresses of the past week as I have managed without a nap this afternoon. We have just finished eating a lovely Roast Pork Sunday Dinner, beautifully cooked by Megan, who has also offered to cook Christmas Dinner. She doesn’t like our suggestion of her boning, stuffing and rolling the Turkey, though actually, that does sound rather rude!