It’s been too long!

Posted on May 2, 2015 by Dee Rutty

I have been neglecting my blog writing for too long, the last few weeks have been busy and stressful, and I have been concentrating my literary efforts on posting a daily gratitude diary on my Facebook page in an effort to look for all that is good in my life.

Two weeks ago I had an emotional crisis regarding work, I was tired, very tired and even though still only working 22 ½ hours each week, was too weary to do anything constructive after work. It was getting me down, our house has been getting more and more messy through my lack of energy and enthusiasm to do anything other than look at it and get more fed up that I wasn’t able to do anything to rectify the situation.

I talked with Ray about all that was bothering me, we discussed me giving up work or carrying on working part-time with an advisory certificate from my doctor. I resolved to speak to my Director and did so two weeks ago, I explained how I was feeling and that as I have no idea if, or when, I might feel that I have enough stamina to go back to full time hours, asked formally for consideration to be given to allowing me to permanently reduce my hours to three days each week.

Thankfully, he agreed to think about it and would let me know as soon as possible what had been decided. I am absolutely delighted to report that it has been agreed for me to reduce my working week to three days, and with effect from 1^st May, I will work Monday’s, Wednesday’s and Friday’s. I cannot properly put in to words just how relieved I am about this, it feels like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders, money will be tight, but at least I will not have the constant stress of worrying about being fit to return to full time working hours.

This news gave me a real boost, so much so that I actually decided to do some housework on Saturday afternoon. I am happy to report that I cleaned our bathroom for the first time since before my operation last October. Now wait!! It has been cleaned since then, just not by me!! The lovely Megan has been taking care of it 🙂

When that was all done, I set to putting together a new cupboard for the bathroom, I got fed up with buying cheap second hand storage which doesn’t quite do the job so I splashed out on a new unit. I managed to build it all by myself, and it stores loads more than any of the other previous unsatisfactory cupboards and looks good too! All in all a productive afternoon 🙂

This week, work started on preparing the base for my Summer House/Craft Studio, in a few weeks I will be able to move all my equipment in there and we will have our dining room back!

On Thursday, for the first time since surgery for Bi-lateral Breast Cancer, I have took Shadow for a walk to Captains Wood. I particularly wanted to go there to see the Bluebells, and it was worth the effort, simply beautiful! Then I had Liza’s company on a trip to Homebase and Sainsburys. In the afternoon I sorted through a massive amount of books my dear friend Jan had given me, and also went through our bookshelves. I managed to clear some space on our bookshelves which were getting rather full and to pack up the books I didn’t want to keep ready to try to sell to a second hand book dealer and get them loaded in to the boot of my car, they were a bit too heavy really but I managed it! In the evening, Ray and I have taken our first trip to Ikea since we have been ill, the restaurant now has Lamb Shanks on the menu, and they were delicious! We got the storage boxes and replacement loo seat we went for plus some other bits and bobs. We were both very tired when we got home and pleased to get to bed.

At Homebase, I bought a large terracotta saucer from the garden centre, so that I can start putting bird seed out again, we used to sprinkle it on the pond patio but it kept getting in between the slabs and sprouting, so we stopped doing that. I covered the bottom of the saucer with bird seed and it was all gone when I got home on Friday afternoon, so I put more seed in it, and have enjoyed looking out, watching the wood pigeons and turtle doves feeding. We have one bossy wood pigeon who spends so much time trying to chase all the other pigeons away that he hardly gets to eat anything, it is very funny to see them chasing about on the lawn 🙂 The little birds used to be frequent visitors too, but seem to have not noticed that we have put food out yet, I’m sure they will return soon. There is one pigeon that Liza has nicknamed ‘Mr fatty’ because he is so large, this is a picture I took of him last summer.

Today, between Ray, Megan and I, our front room is tidy and clean for the first time in months, Ray vacuumed, Megan and I dusted, I stripped the throws off the futons, and Megan put clean ones on, I took down the net curtain for a wash, cleaned the inside of the windows, and ironed the clean curtain and put it back up. It has been so satisfying to sit in our clean and tidy front room this evening, with candles lit in the hearth, and the fairy lights switched on, ah bliss!

Business at Work, More Hospital Visits and Possibly Too Much Information!

Posted on April 1, 2015 by Dee Rutty

I’ve been very busy at work over the last two weeks as our financial year ends on 31^st March and there is a lot to be done. Working 22 1/2 hours over four days is working out well for me, I would really like to continue with these hours and move to working a three day week as soon as possible. I have suggested job-share but my employers are unwilling to consider this whilst we have so much work to get through.

2014-11-29 09.39.04

I have been concerned about lumpiness in my right breast where the tumour was taken, and also some pain and lumpiness in a different area of the breast. I spoke to the Breast Care Nurses about it last week and was booked in for a check-up at the breast unit on Monday. I was seen by the Nurse Practitioner, we discussed having genetic testing, and went through a computerised risk assessment which came out below the level at which I could be referred for this. I am happy with the outcome, I didn’t feel there was a genetic risk behind my Bi-lateral Breast Cancer as there is no history of it in my family, I am one of the ‘bad luck’ cases. The Nurse examined me and decided to refer me for an ultrasound scan to check my right breast. Where the tumour was taken, the lumps are probably a Seroma, if this is the case, they will drain the fluid off for me. But it might be that this is scar tissue, in which case nothing can be done, and the thickening and discomfort beyond the tumour site may be hardening of breast tissue caused by the radiotherapy. I’m just waiting for the appointment now, it should be in around three weeks.

Last week I had a General Surgery consultation appointment as I have had problems with my digestive tract which pre-dates my breast cancer diagnosis. The doctor referred me for a endoscopy for suspected irritable bowel syndrome, I was fortunate to get a quick appointment for this as another patient had cancelled, at least it will get it over with! So I am off work today to drink the horrible concoction that will clear out my digestive tract, it tastes just like diorite, not pleasant, and of course having the opposite effect! I started taking it at 11 am and I can feel things starting to rumble, but it’s now mid-afternoon and there is no action, yet!

At Mindfulness Meditation this week we discussed compassion for self and others. Ray and I now realise that we have been treating life’s setbacks and problems in a mindful way for all of our life together. We will make a decision and stick to it, if it doesn’t work out how we had hoped, then we accept it and move on, we have never been resentful or regretful when things go badly. We just get ourselves up and get on with life, never indulging in ‘what ifs’ or ‘maybe’s’. If we make mistakes, we accept them, there is nothing to be gained in denying matters of fact, the harder part is not continuing to recall errors, and still feel bad about them months or years after the event.

I have been neglecting meditation, it somehow gets forgotten about until Tuesday evening when we are asked how we are getting on with it. I think I need to try a different approach, I will meditate on it!

Last weekend being the one where we move in to British summer time, and with a desire to go swimming, was motivation enough to tackle the lawns on my legs, under arms, and lady garden. I have neglected them for months, actually, since my breast cancer op back in October. It was a mammoth operation, I started with a new blade but it was quite blunt by the time I had finished. It took so long to do, I began to smell burning as I switched off the shower, I was really worried I had blown the heating elements, luckily it wasn’t the shower at all, it was Megan burning her breakfast downstairs! It’s not a perfect job, the problem with being short sighted is that showers and glasses don’t work well together, when I put on my glasses it was apparent that more work is required, oh dear!

Last Saturday was to be the last Session of the Art Journalling course, but so many of us were keen to continue that there will be another four classes starting the weekend after Easter. I am really pleased about this as it is so enjoyable, both in being creative and having good company in class.

I have been thinking about getting organised for the craft stall I will be doing in May, I think I have almost definitely decided on calling my craft business ‘Elsie Rose’s Attic’, my style is mostly retro and by choosing this name it leaves options open to change and diversify what I make and sell.

Elsie was my paternal Grandmother’s name and Rose my maternal Grandmothers name, of whom I have been thinking of a lot just lately. Both had skill in making things, be it baking, crochet or sewing, both were two of the most gentle souls I have ever met. I still have a ‘Granny Squares’ blanket which Nana Rose made for me, it is too old and fragile to use now so it is safely stored away.

I’m looking forward to Easter, having four days off will be great, and give me time to recover from tomorrow. We are planning to do a boot fair on Sunday to get rid of things which are cluttering up the place, but if it is raining we won’t bother, I don’t fancy standing out in a cold field in the rain, that just doesn’t sound at all appealing.

Have a lovely Easter!!

A Much Better Week

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Dee Rutty

On Monday I met with my manager to discuss my working hours for the next few weeks. I explained about my difficulties with fatigue and we agreed that I would work 22 ½ hours over four days with one day being a full day and the other three being reduced hours. This has made a big difference to my energy levels, I have had more energy and enthusiasm and my mood is more stable.

I have completed the tray I started several weeks ago and am happy with the finished work. In my lunch breaks I have tried to spend time outside, only retreating indoors when I felt too cold. I have been cutting out designs for decoupage, it is very therapeutic, one of my colleagues sat with me one lunch time, and remarked that watching me cutting out the shapes is very relaxing.

I saw my GP on Friday and have a certificate for another four weeks at reduced hours, I am hopeful that I will soon be able to increase my hours soon but will just have to see how I am feeling. I will be pressing my employers to let me work part time permanently, I really want this so will be persistent!

I have been so grateful to be feeling better this week, the previous weekend had been hard going, Ray remarked that I was very down and this was making him feel sad too. There have been some mild days this week and I have become what my sister Nicola would call ‘a fresh air freak’ by taking every opportunity to have the windows open in the office, the kitchen door open at home and the sunroof and windows open in my car driving between the two.

Seeing the daffodils, hyacinths and crocuses opening, cherry blossom on the trees, and lots of other signs that spring is here, make my heart sing. We didn’t get to see the Eclipse as it was very cloudy and missed seeing the super-moon for the same reason, but it is the Spring Equinox, the clocks leap forward next weekend and the days are lengthening, wonderful!

This a photo my daughter Megan posted on Facebook today, taken when she was taking Shadow for his walk, lovely blue skies!

Ray and I are having our first weekend away since June last year, we have travelled to Kent to stay with my Sister Sharon and her husband Mike in their beautiful thatched cottage. The journey was relaxed, we didn’t need to rush and the weather was dry. On Saturday evening the Lions Group which Sharon and Mike belong to were having a musically biased quiz night, the four of us were joined by friends of Sharon and Mike to make a team of six. We didn’t expect to do well but after a fun evening with lots of laughs, and a sausage and chips supper, we came third out of nine teams, an excellent result we thought!

This was also mine and Ray’s first social night out since last September, we really enjoyed the evening but fatigue hits suddenly and hard, we were both very pleased when it was time for bed.

This morning Ray and I went to visit our Nephew Andrew, his wife Hannah and their three boys, it is many months since we saw them and the boys have all grown, the twins had their seventh birthday earlier this month, their dad says they are already getting in to adolescent defiance and argumentativeness! The ‘Baby’ is now two and four months, he was very premature and had lost of struggles and complications but has pulled through it, he has the expected developmental delays of a prem baby but is now doing well and has made leaps in progression over the last few weeks. It was lovely to see them all, especially as it we don’t get to see them often.

Ray and I left in time to meet Sharon and Mike for a pub lunch and then we all spent the afternoon reading and dozing, the perfect Sunday afternoon!

Tomorrow Ray and I will be going to visit the newest member of our family who was born last September and his parents, our niece Sophie and her husband Toby. We haven’t met the baby yet as he was born just before I had my Breast Cancer Diagnosis, I’m really looking forward to meeting him, and seeing his parents too of course!

Fatigue – Not Coping Well With Working Full Time.

Posted on March 15, 2015 by Dee Rutty

After working part time for two weeks, this week I returned to working full days. Knowing that this would probably be too much for me I have booked one day each week as leave for the next few weeks.

Monday was not too bad, I managed to stay awake until bed time, Tuesday Ray and I should have gone to our Mindfulness Meditation Class but we were both feeling too weary to go out. Wednesday I went straight to bed and to sleep when I got home from work, I got up for dinner but really wasn’t up to much more than sitting in front of the TV until bedtime. Thursday was much the same.

Friday was my day off, being aware that exercise is beneficial for combating fatigue, and although still feeling rough, I made the effort to get out to the park with Shadow. We had a good walk, it was mild enough to go without a coat. When we got back home, I didn’t feel much better but gave myself a talking to and ventured out to Artys Art Shop to buy some more acrylics for my up-cycling projects. The afternoon was spent sleeping again, I did feel better for it and was lively enough to cook dinner for the first time this week.

I didn’t expect to feel this bad, I have had operations before and was able to bounce back to normal fairly quickly, last year I was off work sick for a couple of months with depression and was able to get back to work without too much trouble. This time it is very different, but then I suppose Cancer Treatment is a whole different ball game.

Earlier this week, I read Sharon Green’s latest blog in which she discusses ‘Collateral Damage’, the untreatable side effects of Breast Cancer Treatment.

https://4timesandcounting.wordpress.com/2015/03/10/collateral-damage/

Sharon says:

“Dr. Susan Love published an interview on Medscape last week on the “collateral damage” of breast cancer treatments as reported by 3200 actual patients and not their doctors. She noted that doctors and patients often view things differently. For doctors, a living patient is the major sign of successful treatment. They don’t want to hear about treatment side effects that they can’t treat and cure, she says.

The patients and survivors are also happy to be alive but their quality of life may be severely impaired by chemo brain, depression, anxiety, fatigue, neuropathy, and hot flashes. She calls this collateral damage rather than side effects as often these symptoms are permanent, not temporary.”

In reading about the experiences of other women, I am beginning to understand that the long term effects of treatment can be with us for years or in some cases, permanently.

Although it is early days for me in terms of recovery, I am beginning to re-evaluate my life. I understand that all being well, the fatigue will improve, and my energy levels should increase, right now I feel that I am living to work, with very little energy to do much else.

I am keeping up with the post-op exercises but despite this, my shoulders and arms are getting stiffer, making some of the movements uncomfortable. I can manage the stairs at home, but there are more of them at work, my bones ache and I am short of breath when I reach the top. Weight gain is also an issue.

This weekend I have reverted to taking an afternoon nap, I have been plagued with a constant headache which may or may not be Tamoxifen related.

This blog is developing in to a moan fest, I feel that the impact of having cancer, and treatment for it has just started to hit home. As other women have found, I have been so caught up with the treatment process, now that this is complete, and my life is starting to return to what is was pre-diagnosis, I feel thrown adrift. Despite already being on anti-depressants, I am feeling low, attempts to lift my mood have not lasted. I wonder for how long this will go on.

I am fortunate to have two adult children, today I have read many posts concerning women who have not been able to have children and feel for them on this day that is so focussed on Mothers, Marie’s post ‘WHEN MOTHER’S DAY HURTS’ expresses how it is for her and for many other women.

http://journeyingbeyondbreastcancer.com/2015/03/15/when-mothers-day-hurts-2/

On a happier note, today has been better, for Mother’s Day, Megan, Josh and Liza gave me a beautiful bouquet, and three charms for my bracelet, Megan’s card was handmade and she had written lovely words inside. Today is also Ray’s birthday, we gave him a new driver and an electric golf trolley, he has just started playing golf again but is only playing nine holes, hopefully he will soon be able to manage a full round.

I had the house to myself for a few hours today, so did some more work on a tray I started two weeks ago. I have painted in flowers and glued on the decoupage design, I have still to add gold paint to the rim and then varnish it, I am pleased with how it has turned out.

Now it is time to get organised for bed, tomorrow is a working day and I need to get up at 6 am.

Where does the time go?

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Dee Rutty

It is now a week since I went back to work, I am doing half days for the remainder of this week and will be working full time from Monday. As the days go by it is getting easier, to begin with, my poorly eye suffered the most but it is now much improved and providing I remember to have frequent breaks from screen staring it does not get uncomfortable. I am tired, when I get home from work I often have an afternoon nap.

Saturday morning Megan and I went to our second Art Journalling class, this week we were working with collage, I’ve not done this since junior school and it’s not something I would think to do when I’m feeling creative. I started off with an idea in mind but as I looked through the magazines and papers, the images and words that appealed led me in a different direction. I’m not sure about the page, I didn’t enjoy it as much as the previous week.

When we got home from Art Journalling, there was a lovely surprise waiting for me. My sister Nicola had seen an article on ‘The One Show’ about colouring for grown-ups, she decided to have a go at it and thought I might enjoy it too so ordered books for both of us. The book is called ‘Colour Me Calm’, the drawings are varied with plenty to choose from, I’m really pleased with it. When Ray went to the driving range on Sunday afternoon I sat with relaxing music on, my colouring book and pencils, this is my first completed page:

I came across this article on Huffington Post about colouring for grown-ups, the evidence confirms it is good for the soul!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/13/coloring-for-stress_n_5975832.html?ir=Parents&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000037

Tuesday was a very busy day, I started work early as I needed to be at The Lynda Jackson Centre for an afternoon of pampering with volunteers from the charity Look Good Feel Better (http://www.lookgoodfeelbetter.co.uk/)

It was a brilliant afternoon and if any of you ladies have had or are undergoing treatment for Cancer have not yet taken part, then I recommend that you do.

There were nine women plus four volunteer make-up consultants, each of us received a bag containing enough products to start from cleansing, through to being fully made up. The volunteers demonstrated how to use the products and how to apply our make-up, they were very helpful and encouraging. When the session had finished, we all admired each other’s ‘after’ faces, it does make a difference having the full works, we were all very happy with how we looked.

I very rarely wear wakeup, but since LGFB I have made more of an effort, it is only two days and I can’t promise to stick with it but when I do I now know how to use it properly.

In the evening Ray and I went for our first class on Zenways Mindfulness Meditation, Ray has got back in to ‘work mode’ and is having trouble relaxing again, hopefully he will overcome this with practice. We are supposed to aim for a half hour meditation each day, we didn’t manage it on Wednesday evening but I have found an App with a Body Scan Meditation which is the meditation for this week so we will be trying this out later.

Tuesday was the busiest day I have had since diagnosis and I certainly feel it, I was very tired yesterday and today I’m feeling drained.

Wednesday was our last meeting for the HOPE Course, I feel sad about this as it has been such a pleasure being able to talk with a group of women who have been through Cancer Treatment. We have found that we have similar worries and problems and throughout the six weeks have grown stronger, more positive and better able to deal with our day to day challenges. I will miss seeing the five ladies on the course and also our two facilitators, but the good news is that a monthly meeting is being arranged, so I may be able to see my HOPE friends again and also meet others who have previously done the course.

This last week has whizzed by, I have been back at work for just over a week and have done so much else that the time has gone really quickly. I hope I can battle my way through this tiredness soon.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s off to work I go

Posted on February 27, 2015 by Dee Rutty

Thursday was my first day back in the office since 14^th October 2014, I’m doing a phased return, my hours for this week and next are 10 am to 2 pm. I have been looking forward to getting back to work, and getting back to a near normal routine.

I have been surprised by how happy I am at being back at work, like everything in life, some of it I could do without, but I mostly enjoy my job, and I work with some great people. I have been really happy to be there these two half days.

Tiredness has got the better of me though, on both days I have felt tired towards the end of the four hours and have had a sleep when I got home. My colleagues have been welcoming, much as I love my family, it is good to see some different faces during the day. Getting up the stairs has been a struggle, there are more steps than at home and I am out of breath by the time I’ve walked from the car park and up to the office, makes me feel old! I will have to find excuses to go up and down the stairs so I get used to them again.

We are a small team and my absence has impacted the workload for everyone, some of my tasks have not been looked at whilst I have been away but I will get through it bit by bit.

My eye has coped reasonably well with looking at a PC monitor for up to four hours, it has got uncomfortable towards the end of my time at work but not unbearably so. I think the biggest impact has been on my arms and shoulders, they are stiff and sore this evening and have been objecting to being laid on in the night.

The HOPE Course this week was about physical activity and I resolved to go for a walk with Shadow over the weekend, judging by my lack of stamina it will have to be a short walk. But then I have an excuse, poor Shadow has a limp on his front left leg this evening, he must have strained it on his walk with Ray this morning, so it will be restricted walks with no games of ‘fetch’ for a few days.

I have been getting used to wearing a bra again, some days it is not too bad and other days it just has to come off. We were all watching TV one evening this week and that point had come, I did the undo hooks, straps down inside my sleeves, and pull off through the neckline trick. My daughter noticed and said in a shocked tone ‘Mum, did you just take your bra off?’ I had to giggle to myself, she is 24 but is easily offended bless her.

I have had a few sharp pains in my left breast today, the healing process is ongoing, I still have obvious seroma in my right breast, the left is more deep seated so is less noticeable. Apparently the seroma can take many months to be re-absorbed so I have to wait until it is all cleared to find out what my shape will settle to.

I’m feeling tired again now so it is time for bed, tomorrow is Art Journalling for Megan and I, looking forward to that, we will be making collages, such fun!

Birthday and Countdown to Return to Work – Ah, OK, Maybe Not Just Yet Then.

Posted on February 4, 2015February 7, 2015 by Dee Rutty

Friday 30th January was my Birthday, I am happy to now be 52 years old, I am grateful to be reasonably healthy, have a wonderful Husband, Daughter, Son and Sisters, have a choice few lovely friends, an adorable Dog and all of life’s essentials. Ray and I took Shadow for a slow walk round the flat pathways at Wendover Woods, followed by a coffee each from the café in the woods, and lunch in Chesham. I opened my gifts in the evening after dinner, Ray gave me a craft light with magnifying lens, my eyesight is not what it was, so this is very welcome! and a Loreena McKennitt CD. Megan gave me a ‘Mother and Child’ and purple glass charms for my bracelet, an angel’s wing to go on my angel necklace and some Lindor chocolates. Josh and Liza gave me a Kirtsy Allsop Pyrography Kit, a different Loreena McKennitt CD and some Lindor chocolates, as you have probably guessed, these are a favourite of mine. My sister Sharon sent me a ‘Terrific Year Project’ Calendar, my friend Jenny gave me a stained glass heart hanging, and our neighbour Jacqui gave me two fresh cream choux buns which I shared with Ray. Liza made a tasty fruit salad, with lots of different fruits, really good! We delayed the birthday meal until Saturday and had a takeaway from Chesham Cottage, it was excellent, really tasty and plenty of food, I saved half of mine and had it for dinner on Sunday. It was a lovely calm, chilled out Birthday, one I will remember for a long time as it was just so enjoyable and fantastic not to have to rush about anywhere.

On Monday, I was reminded that 2nd February was the 25th Anniversary of the day F. W. de Klerk released Nelson Mandela unconditionally and legalised all formerly banned political parties. De Klerk, the then new president of South Africa, believed that apartheid was unsustainable and unconditionally released all ANC (African National Congress) prisoners. I have always admired Nelson Mandela, he endured so much, but because of his principals was a wise and compassionate man. He made so many excellent, inspirational speeches, these are excerpts are two of my favourites:

Our HOPE Course ‘homework’ this week was to do something mindfully, I chose to work on a craft project mindfully. So I have been taking notice of the smells of the paint and glue, which sounds slightly dodgy! To set your minds at rest it is emulsion paint and PVA glue so no noxious vapours! I have also taken notice of the textures of the painted surfaces, the sandpaper I have used to distress the edges of the small unit I am working on, the decoupage paper I will be decorating it with, and the fibres of the brushes as I clean them. I have been using my magnifying craft light to cut out some butterflies for the unit, it is perfect, so much better for my eyes and I can cut around small shapes easily. This is a much bigger project than the birdhouse, it’s not finished yet, but all that is left to do now is to varnish it. I’m going to be keeping my fingers crossed that none of the stamping and ageing mediums don’t run, here’s hoping!

We woke up to snow yesterday, Ray took Shadow out for his walk but didn’t take a ball as it usually gets lost when there is snow, Shadow is not good at finding his ball unless he sees exactly where it lands. Shadow lasted until they were on the way home and then decided he really couldn’t come home without a game of fetch, so he brought Ray a stick to throw instead. Shadow just loves to play fetch, he has a basket of toys at home to play with and will often tip everything out to find a favourite toy for one of us to throw for him.

I have been getting myself psyched up to return to work part-time next Monday, but yesterday morning the postman delivered a letter from the eye hospital telling me I am booked in to have the Scleral Buckle removed from my left eye ….. on Tuesday!

So, my return to work will be delayed by around two weeks, and I have more pain to come, but as I have been through it all before when the buckle was fitted, I know what to expect. And the discomfort will not last as long as it did following last October’s Bi-lateral Wide Local Excision Breast Surgery and Sentinel Node Biopsies.

My breasts are getting on much better now, I keep forgetting to mention that I still have a slight blue tinge lingering in my left breast from the radioactive dye, and its over three months since I had the surgery. The worst of the peeling is now finished, where it was at its worst there is some secondary peeling but nothing major. The Seroma in my right armpit has now almost completely cleared up, but there is still quite a lot of fluid in the right breast, a slight dent is slowly developing as the fluid begins to drain away. Yesterday I decide it was time to try wearing a soft bra, I managed for most of the day, but by the early evening enough was enough, so bra off, vest on, and breathe! It is great that I am now able to have pain free showers, dodging about to avoid the spray falling on sore nipples can be awkward in a confined space. And, I have managed to wear a post-surgery bra all day today, yippee!

In an earlier blog, I said that I was thinking about having a tattoo to disguise the Radiotherapy dot between my breasts. I have decided not to go ahead because if the breast cancer comes back, it could cause problems with radiotherapy measurement marks. I might just get some temporary tattoos or cover the dot with a stick-on bindi if I ever wear a low cut top, do you think I could get away with that?

And in other news, on Saturday, Ray realised that he is now able to move his tongue to the left side of his mouth, he hadn’t been able to do this since his second TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) in November. He has muscle wastage in the left side of his tongue but will probably regain this now that he can move it about. It has made eating much easier for him, he can now chew on the left without biting his tongue and getting food stuck which is brilliant!

Ray had his check-up appointment today with Dr Burn at the Stroke Unit. Dr Burn is happy with Ray’s progress, says that he can return to work part time to start with and see how he gets on before increasing his hours. Ray will have another check-up in four months, if all is still progressing well, and he has had no more TIA’s then Dr Burn will discharge him. However, Dr Burns says Ray should not play golf for at least another month, Ray was very disappointed to hear that, he has been itching to get on the golf course.

As I wanted to be with Ray for his check-up I didn’t make the HOPE Course today, tomorrow I will be at The Lynda Jackson Centre for Relaxation class and an Aromatherapy massage. If Sue (one of the HOPE facilitators) is there, I will be able to find out what our homework is for the coming week.

Today is World Cancer Day, the news this morning said that the percentage of people having a cancer diagnosis has risen from one in three to one in two, that is not good news, but I suppose the balance for that is that more people are now surviving cancer, so lets hold on to that thought.

Creativity – Make A Little Birdhouse In Your Soul

Posted on January 27, 2015 by Dee Rutty

Time has flown since my last blog, and I have not been sleeping well and have not felt up to writing by the time we all sit down to watch TV in the evenings. Well, to be honest, I listen and glance at it every now and then between typing, it no longer holds my attention as it used to.

Last Wednesday was the first session of the HOPE Course, myself and seven women talked about our Cancers, our feelings, our families and our jobs, the marvellous thing being that we all understood each other. Individually, we had shared the fears, pain, stress, worry in any or all combinations and more. To be able to speak and share together is tremendously healing.

For part of the session, we talked about Gratitude, and were given a sheet to complete for each day to record what we are grateful for and why. This is something I had planned to do but haven’t, I was hoping the sheet would give me the motivation to write something for each day but I’ve not managed it, but I am not going to chastise myself over it.

We also thought about setting ‘SMARTER’ goals:

Specific – Am I clear exactly what my goal is?

Measurable – How will I know when I have completed my goal? What does it look like?

Achievable – Can I really achieve this task? (Don’t set yourself up to fail!)

Relevant – Is the goal important to you?

Time-Bound – When do I want to have reached my goal?

Enjoyable – Is my goal enjoyable?

Reward – What reward will I give myself when I am successful?

Each of us chose a goal for the coming week, mine was to start and complete a small craft project, specifically to decorate a miniature MDF Birdhouse, and I am happy to report that I have achieved my goal!

This is the blank birdhouse:

2015-01-27 16.22.01

It is a first attempt, I experimented with some stamping inks which I thought were solvent based, turns out they weren’t, so when I painted the varnish over the print it ran. Fortunately, I had only used this stamp on one area and was able to wipe it off and then re-apply using the solvent based inks I had used for the remainder of the project. But I am encouraged to do more crafting, I really enjoyed the sticking, stamping, painting in the flowers and varnishing the little birdhouse.

And this is the finished project:

Creativity is something I aspire to immerse myself in, but I seem to spend more time looking for ideas in Pinterest than actually working on a project. One of my goals for this year is to give myself time to work on crafting and sewing, I am hopeful that this is an achievable goal.

Although still suffering from fatigue, generally speaking, I feel much more myself, more mentally alert than I have done for some time. My skin is working its way through the healing process, the redness has progressed to looking more like a dirty sun burn, and has started to peel. The random stabbing pains in my breasts can be troublesome at times and sleeping varies from uncomfortable through to painful. If I lay awkwardly in my sleep, it can take a while for the pain to subside, sometimes I can’t find a comfortable position for my arms, this is all quite normal after treatment for breast cancer, but that doesn’t stop it being frustrating. I carried too much the other day and suffered for it during the night, a lesson learned in moderation, just when I feel I should be healed enough, my body reminds me that I am not.

Ann, who leads the relaxation classes at the Lynda Jackson Macmillan Centre is qualified in lots of therapeutic things including Yoga and is also a retired Nurse, made me feel like a naughty child last week for saying that I was planning to go back to work in a few weeks. She says I shouldn’t rush back, should give my mind and body plenty of time to come to terms with the Cancer diagnosis and treatment, this has been a recurring opinion from many of the health care team I have seen over the past few months. I told Ann it felt like I was being told off by my mum, what I didn’t say was that like my teenage self, I will do what I feel I have to do and return to work part time in two weeks’ time anyway. I will do what I can, I may surprise myself and hit the ground running, or I may struggle with lack of concentration and with fatigue, time will tell.

I do worry about the concentration issue, as with all breast cancer patients, to keep my chest, shoulder and arm muscles and tendons supple I have a thrice daily exercise routine, the practice for these is to do each exercise five times, and some to a count of ten. Sounds simple doesn’t it, but I cannot manage to count to ten and also remember how many repetitions I have done. I start off OK, I can count to ten but then my mind wanders and I forget where I am up to with the repetitions.

Today has been a bad day, low energy and what started as a low grade headache has progressed to a full blown one, with tense shoulders and neck to go with it. I have the second session of the HOPE Course in the morning so I’m heading off to bed with some painkillers and hope for the best that it will be gone when I wake up.

The Three Principals (via Avaaz)

Posted on January 20, 2015January 20, 2015 by Dee Rutty

Avaaz is a campaigning site which organises petitions and action to give people a voice, this is what they say about themselves:

Avaaz—meaning “voice” in several European, Middle Eastern and Asian languages—launched in 2007 with a simple democratic mission: organize citizens of all nations to close the gap between the world we have and the world most people everywhere want. The Avaaz community campaigns in 15 languages, served by a core team on 6 continents and thousands of volunteers. We take action — signing petitions, funding media campaigns and direct actions, emailing, calling and lobbying governments, and organizing “offline” protests and events — to ensure that the views and values of the world’s people inform the decisions that affect us all.

Recently, on their web site, they had a New Year Pledge campaign called ‘The Three Principals’ which are:

Show Kindness and Respect: We will show kindness and respect towards ourselves and others whenever possible. And it’s always possible, because everyone we meet is fighting a battle we may know nothing about.
Strive for Wisdom: We will seek to be wise in our decisions, listening deeply to ourselves and others, and balancing our heads, hearts and intuitions in a harmony that feels right.
Practice Gratitude: We will regularly reflect on what we’re grateful for, because it brings perspective, dissolves negativity, and grounds us in what’s most important.

These are the principals by which I like to live my life so I have joined the programme and hope to maintain all three throughout this year and beyond, particularly the principal ‘Strive for Wisdom’, heaven knows, I can do with more of this!

I covered ‘Kindness and Respect’ very briefly in my previous blog, so have been thinking about ‘Wisdom’ today.

In writing this blog I have been collecting wisdom, from the women who follow my blog I have learned a great deal about the big issues surrounding this disease and also the little issues, and the things which keep us going, that sustain us through the bad days. Reading about the experience of other women with Breast Cancer has taught me much, and for this I am grateful. Even though I am unlikely to meet any of the women in the blogging community of which I am a part, I count them among my friends, we are sharing an experience and sense of companionship during what is a difficult time in our lives. Our Cancers may be at different stages, require different treatments, but we have the same goal, to share our experiences and to hope that someone may be helped by reading about them. Most importantly, to know that there are other women out there across the world who understand how we are feeling because they are going through similar issues right now, or have ‘been there’ and made it out of the ‘chaos’.

Over the last few years I have moved away from the Christian Church towards Earth Centred Pagan beliefs, I am not yet settled in a particular ‘Path’. I do still believe in Jesus, and God, but do not believe God was a single parent, the Goddess is very important to me and is my principal deity in all her dimensions.

Whilst learning about Pagan ‘religions’ I have been to numerous events, courses, classes and workshops. One course was training to be a ‘Sister of Avalon’, learning to be a Priestess of the Goddess. For eight weekends over the course of a year, I travelled to Glastonbury to join my fellow trainees, we were a group of twenty, one man and the rest women. The most significant thing I learned from this experience was that sharing our troubles and difficulties within a small group was immensely healing. For a short time each weekend, we divided in to groups of four, using the ‘talking stick’ method of sharing, the Wikipedia explanation reads:

‘The talking stick, also called a speaker’s staff, is an instrument of aboriginal democracy used by many tribes, especially those of indigenous peoples of the Northwest Coast of North America.’

In practice it means that the person holding the stick (or any other symbolic item) is the only person allowed to talk. Our group sessions were structured so that each person had a set amount of time to speak whilst their three ‘sisters’ silently listened, when the time was up, a bell was rung, and the stick was passed on to the next person. The subject/question we were to talk about was given to us by our tutor, they would be quite meaty issues, the topics and the words spoken about them could challenge, and sometimes bring the speaker to tears. The ‘listeners’ were not allowed to interrupt, offer advice, ask questions or to physically comfort the ‘speaker’. We were allowed to talk more together about any issues which had come up in the session during our lunch break, or at the end of the day. By doing this, each of us had time to consider what had been said, and decide if words of advice might be worthwhile, or if a sympathetic hug was what was most needed. Often a hug was all that was needed to convey our understanding of, and respect for each other.

Once I got used to this system of sharing, I came to appreciate the beauty of the silent love, acceptance, and support in my group, and this is truly a wonderful thing.

We were four women with very different lives, upbringings, expectations and desires, but this made absolutely no difference to the high regard in which we held each other, a feeling which grew over the year we spent learning, sharing and working together.

There were occasions that we gathered with our ‘sisters’ to create crafts related to the Wheel of the Year, these could be ‘talking stick’ times or times for silent meditative working. There is such a sense of joy in creating with women who have become dear to you, the feeling of companionship and sisterly love grows stronger with each task. I imagine our ancestral mothers would have felt the same as they worked together, sharing skills, stories, song and wisdom.

In our modern society, many of us have lost the companionship and support of our families and neighbours once enjoyed when we lived as members of a tribe, or small community. When we needed help with problems and challenges in our lives, we didn’t need to search the internet, all that we needed was to be found in our tribe, the wisdom of our elders was there for the asking, and their life-learned knowledge treated with respect and reverence.

Many times in my life I have found myself thinking that several trips to the doctor could have been avoided if I had the resource of experienced, older women to take my ‘women’s problems’ to. Somehow ‘Internet Forums’ don’t quite do it for me, I do now have the benefit of one wise friend who has a diverse knowledge of life and shares a similar faith, and for her I am so thankful. I also have my two sisters and friends who support me ‘virtually’ and in person and they are very precious to me too.

I think this ‘community of women’ is a deep seated need, I have been searching for my ‘tribe’s women’ for most of my adult life, and maybe now I am finding them.

This time last year I wanted to begin a ‘Women’s Spiritual Sharing Circle’, unfortunately, I never moved from the ‘want’ to the ‘action’ stage, but then maybe the time wasn’t right, it was at this point that I developed Clinical Depression. The Circle is still ‘on the back burner’ I would love to be part of a group, if it means I have to set it up myself then bring it on! All I need is a small group of like-minded women to join me and we’d be off! Don’t worry, there will be no nudity, I just liked this photo and the text!

In the hope that some of my local ‘readership’ might be interested, here are some links which will give you an idea about how a group could work:

http://www.essential-wisdom.com/womens_circle.html

http://awakeningwomen.com/2010/01/31/awakening-women-global-sisterhood-manifesto/

The first link is more detailed about the circle, the second contains excellent principals.

So ladies, if you would like to join, get in touch with me and we can get ourselves organised. 🙂

Sore Nips and Weariness

Posted on January 18, 2015 by Dee Rutty

So how are things? Well much the same really, both Nipples are sore and have random spells of having sharp pains. The burning on my skin from the ‘Radiotherapy Booster’ sessions is clearly visible on my skin, both sides. You can probably see the square redness from the Booster beam in the photo.

It is getting more itchy and flaky now which is a nuisance, but not as much of a nuisance as the hot flushes which are annoying me now, I can feel the heat building in my back as I sit writing this. I have now given in and stripped off my shirt, I seem to be spending more evenings wearing just a vest and skirt/trousers, it feels like being in the tropics!

I have needed to have an afternoon snooze for the last few days and have slept well at night time so I must be needing it at the moment. I wonder how long this will go on for, I would like to be back at work, and I’m beginning to miss my colleagues and thinking about my work building up, so I hope this weariness goes away soon.

It is frustrating feeling so lacking in energy for a fair proportion of the time, still I will reach the two weeks post Radiotherapy point on Wednesday, so in theory I should begin to pick up, I certainly hope so.

This week I will be beginning a six week HOPE course (Help Overcoming Problems Effectively) at the Cancer Centre, one of the topics on the programme is coping with fatigue, this will be very welcome!

On Saturday we went to Hemel, Megan needed to return a bracelet we gave her for Christmas as it had a faulty clasp. When we pulled up in the car park, a man approached us asking if we could spare him some money for his bus fare to Aylesbury as his mum was ill and he wanted to visit her. He explained that he was homeless and had no spare money, I can hear the cynics shouting ‘it is a sob story, he just wants the money for booze/drugs/cigarettes’, but we all felt he was genuine, he wasn’t drunk or stoned. Ray and I agreed we would give him the money for the bus fare, someone very dear to us has been temporarily homeless and we understand how awful this can be. I feel very strongly about how many people in our communities are suffering as a result of government policies, I can get really angry about it, so I’m going to leave it there.

There are so many things I would like to do this year, I’m just waiting for sufficient energy to get started. Megan and I have enrolled on an Art Journalling Course which begins in Mid-February, I am looking forward to the course especially as Megan will be doing it too. I have all these art and craft materials stored away just waiting for me to have the motivation to make a start on something.

deerutty

Daily Life – coping with Depression and recovery from Breast Cancer

Fatigue