A New Start – Art Journaling and Back to Work

From a young age, I have enjoyed art, when it was time to pick my options at secondary school, Pottery was one of my ‘O’ Level choices. After trying pottery for a while, I lost interest in it and moved across to painting and drawing instead. This turned out to be a bad move, my first exam piece was a pencil drawing of a half-peeled orange, my drawing was good, and my teacher was pleased with it.

The second exam piece was to draw and paint a picture to illustrate a descriptive line from a book. This is where it all fell apart, my drawing was reasonable but as soon as I began painting I had a bad feeling about it. Turns out I was right, my painting looked like something a junior school child would have done and it brought my grade down really low. I can’t remember what the grade was, I think I have subconsciously erased it from my memory.

When Megan and Josh were both at school, there were art classes at our local community centre, they were free so I decided to have another go. These attempts were much better, I learned more about observational drawing and how to use pastels, watercolours and charcoal.

Since then I have had the odd dabble with art work and although I often feel I would like to pick up the brushes and paints, it has not come to anything.

I have been noticing on Facebook that there is a new art form, Art Journaling, it looked fascinating, and when I browsed through the topic on Pinterest, there are thousands of inspiring images of peoples work.

I noticed an advertisement in the Workaid Shop for a six week Art Journaling Course, I mentioned it to my daughter Megan and we decided we would go together. The first session was last Saturday. We were given a selection of various coloured pens, inks and a selection of stencil shapes and letters as well as water, sponges and cloths.

Isabel, our tutor showed us some techniques for using the materials and we all started to create our first journal page. Megan and I really enjoyed the class, Megan did some more pages in her journal on Sunday but I haven’t picked mine up until today.

These are the three pages I did on Saturday.

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I will be returning to work part time tomorrow (Thursday), I am really excited about it, it is another step towards normality and I am looking forward to seeing my colleagues and getting back in to the routine.

So this inspired me to get out the watercolours and brushes and paint a journal page to celebrate. This is my painting,

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Time to get back to writing

I have had a short break from blogging to give my eye a chance to heal, it has been two weeks since my operation and I will be having a check-up tomorrow morning.

It may seem strange to say that these two weeks have somehow been worse to deal with than the preceding three months. I think the reason for this is that this time the recovery was for a minor operation, I have not needed the same level of focus on doing the best for my recovery since there has been less impact on my day – to – day life. Also, the possibility of having further problems with the detached retina does not register with me as being as serious as the risk of having a reocurrence of breast cancer. So, if it were a worst case scenario choice between the possibility of losing the sight in one eye, or the risk of having a high grade cancer, I really do not know which is worse.

I seem to be feeling glum today, truth is I was expecting to be back at work today but I have contracted a rather nasty cold which has been making me cough, and my throat sting to the point of getting teary eyes. And the constant nose blowing has made me look like Rudolph. I’m feeling very sorry for myself, and have spent the day hibernating.

I have recently been giving a lot of thought to what my ‘new normal’ might be, what I would like to accomplish, how can I reach a balance between necessity and desire? There are so many experiences and activities that appeal to me, selecting what I would like on my ‘Bucket List’ is a challenge in itself.

For many years I have been searching for a Spiritual path which ‘fits’ for me, after many years of Christian faith, I found that it lost its meaning, there was something missing, I didn’t ‘feel’ it in my soul. Through my searching, a strong belief in both Goddess and God has cemented for me, but I have yet to find a path which appeals, how I express my faith does not fit with established belief systems.

Snuggled up in bed this morning, browsing through Facebook, on one of the pages “The Goddess Circle” I came across this:

“”My child,” The Goddess said.  “It doesn’t matter what you call me. Throughout the ages of time I have been called a million names, and I shall be called a million more. Goddess, Divine Mother, Sacred Feminine, Maiden, Mother, Crone, Shaman, Priestess. Just as you have so many incarnations within your own flesh each with its own deep divine thread, so do I.

We have the ability to be blossoming and re-emerging constantly in this and every life we have. The flow of what we are called is the same. Ever evolving, each one a part of the vibrant thread that makes up our own vivid tapestry” ~Ara “

Wow! These words really resonated with me, does it matter that I have no ‘label’ for my belief? No, it doesn’t. And is it necessary for me to dash about adding and ticking off things on my ‘Bucket List? And do I have to decide now what the plan is for the rest of my life, who I want to be? No, I don’t.

Maybe I can embody all the parts of me that hide within, and still be ‘me’, maybe I don’t need to be just one person. Maybe I can just celebrate all the different aspects of what makes me who I am with acceptance, and gratitude. And if next year, or the year after, I find a different way of being, and then after the passing of more time, my path leads in another direction, then so be it. Life is all about learning, growth, embracing our experiences both good and bad, these things touch our hearts and enrich our souls. Good night and Goddess Bless.

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Birthday and Countdown to Return to Work – Ah, OK, Maybe Not Just Yet Then.

Friday 30th January was my Birthday, I am happy to now be 52 years old, I am grateful to be reasonably healthy, have a wonderful Husband, Daughter, Son and Sisters, have a choice few lovely friends, an adorable Dog and all of life’s essentials. Ray and I took Shadow for a slow walk round the flat pathways at Wendover Woods, followed by a coffee each from the café in the woods, and lunch in Chesham. I opened my gifts in the evening after dinner, Ray gave me a craft light with magnifying lens, my eyesight is not what it was, so this is very welcome! and a Loreena McKennitt CD. Megan gave me a ‘Mother and Child’ and purple glass charms for my bracelet, an angel’s wing to go on my angel necklace and some Lindor chocolates. Josh and Liza gave me a Kirtsy Allsop Pyrography Kit, a different Loreena McKennitt CD and some Lindor chocolates, as you have probably guessed, these are a favourite of mine. My sister Sharon sent me a ‘Terrific Year Project’ Calendar, my friend Jenny gave me a stained glass heart hanging, and our neighbour Jacqui gave me two fresh cream choux buns which I shared with Ray. Liza made a tasty fruit salad, with lots of different fruits, really good! We delayed the birthday meal until Saturday and had a takeaway from Chesham Cottage, it was excellent, really tasty and plenty of food, I saved half of mine and had it for dinner on Sunday. It was a lovely calm, chilled out Birthday, one I will remember for a long time as it was just so enjoyable and fantastic not to have to rush about anywhere.

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On Monday, I was reminded that 2nd February was the 25th Anniversary of the day F. W. de Klerk released Nelson Mandela unconditionally and legalised all formerly banned political parties. De Klerk, the then new president of South Africa, believed that apartheid was unsustainable and unconditionally released all ANC (African National Congress) prisoners. I have always admired Nelson Mandela, he endured so much, but because of his principals was a wise and compassionate man. He made so many excellent, inspirational speeches, these are excerpts are two of my favourites:

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Our HOPE Course ‘homework’ this week was to do something mindfully, I chose to work on a craft project mindfully. So I have been taking notice of the smells of the paint and glue, which sounds slightly dodgy! To set your minds at rest it is emulsion paint and PVA glue so no noxious vapours! I have also taken notice of the textures of the painted surfaces, the sandpaper I have used to distress the edges of the small unit I am working on, the decoupage paper I will be decorating it with, and the fibres of the brushes as I clean them. I have been using my magnifying craft light to cut out some butterflies for the unit, it is perfect, so much better for my eyes and I can cut around small shapes easily. This is a much bigger project than the birdhouse, it’s not finished yet, but all that is left to do now is to varnish it. I’m going to be keeping my fingers crossed that none of the stamping and ageing mediums don’t run, here’s hoping!

Mind Full

We woke up to snow yesterday, Ray took Shadow out for his walk but didn’t take a ball as it usually gets lost when there is snow, Shadow is not good at finding his ball unless he sees exactly where it lands. Shadow lasted until they were on the way home and then decided he really couldn’t come home without a game of fetch, so he brought Ray a stick to throw instead. Shadow just loves to play fetch, he has a basket of toys at home to play with and will often tip everything out to find a favourite toy for one of us to throw for him.

In my Day

I have been getting myself psyched up to return to work part-time next Monday, but yesterday morning the postman delivered a letter from the eye hospital telling me I am booked in to have the Scleral Buckle removed from my left eye ….. on Tuesday!

So, my return to work will be delayed by around two weeks, and I have more pain to come, but as I have been through it all before when the buckle was fitted, I know what to expect. And the discomfort will not last as long as it did following last October’s Bi-lateral Wide Local Excision Breast Surgery and Sentinel Node Biopsies.

My breasts are getting on much better now, I keep forgetting to mention that I still have a slight blue tinge lingering in my left breast from the radioactive dye, and its over three months since I had the surgery. The worst of the peeling is now finished, where it was at its worst there is some secondary peeling but nothing major. The Seroma in my right armpit has now almost completely cleared up, but there is still quite a lot of fluid in the right breast, a slight dent is slowly developing as the fluid begins to drain away. Yesterday I decide it was time to try wearing a soft bra, I managed for most of the day, but by the early evening enough was enough, so bra off, vest on, and breathe! It is great that I am now able to have pain free showers, dodging about to avoid the spray falling on sore nipples can be awkward in a confined space. And, I have managed to wear a post-surgery bra all day today, yippee!

Throw my Bra

In an earlier blog, I said that I was thinking about having a tattoo to disguise the Radiotherapy dot between my breasts. I have decided not to go ahead because if the breast cancer comes back, it could cause problems with radiotherapy measurement marks. I might just get some temporary tattoos or cover the dot with a stick-on bindi if I ever wear a low cut top, do you think I could get away with that?

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And in other news, on Saturday, Ray realised that he is now able to move his tongue to the left side of his mouth, he hadn’t been able to do this since his second TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) in November. He has muscle wastage in the left side of his tongue but will probably regain this now that he can move it about. It has made eating much easier for him, he can now chew on the left without biting his tongue and getting food stuck which is brilliant!

Ray had his check-up appointment today with Dr Burn at the Stroke Unit. Dr Burn is happy with Ray’s progress, says that he can return to work part time to start with and see how he gets on before increasing his hours. Ray will have another check-up in four months, if all is still progressing well, and he has had no more TIA’s then Dr Burn will discharge him. However, Dr Burns says Ray should not play golf for at least another month, Ray was very disappointed to hear that, he has been itching to get on the golf course.

As I wanted to be with Ray for his check-up I didn’t make the HOPE Course today, tomorrow I will be at The Lynda Jackson Centre for Relaxation class and an Aromatherapy massage. If Sue (one of the HOPE facilitators) is there, I will be able to find out what our homework is for the coming week.

Today is World Cancer Day, the news this morning said that the percentage of people having a cancer diagnosis has risen from one in three to one in two, that is not good news, but I suppose the balance for that is that more people are now surviving cancer, so lets hold on to that thought.

World Cancer Day

Creativity – Make A Little Birdhouse In Your Soul

Time has flown since my last blog, and I have not been sleeping well and have not felt up to writing by the time we all sit down to watch TV in the evenings. Well, to be honest, I listen and glance at it every now and then between typing, it no longer holds my attention as it used to.

Last Wednesday was the first session of the HOPE Course, myself and seven women talked about our Cancers, our feelings, our families and our jobs, the marvellous thing being that we all understood each other. Individually, we had shared the fears, pain, stress, worry in any or all combinations and more. To be able to speak and share together is tremendously healing.

For part of the session, we talked about Gratitude, and were given a sheet to complete for each day to record what we are grateful for and why. This is something I had planned to do but haven’t, I was hoping the sheet would give me the motivation to write something for each day but I’ve not managed it, but I am not going to chastise myself over it.

We also thought about setting ‘SMARTER’ goals:

Specific – Am I clear exactly what my goal is?

Measurable – How will I know when I have completed my goal? What does it look like?

Achievable – Can I really achieve this task? (Don’t set yourself up to fail!)

Relevant – Is the goal important to you?

Time-Bound – When do I want to have reached my goal?

Enjoyable – Is my goal enjoyable?

Reward – What reward will I give myself when I am successful?

Each of us chose a goal for the coming week, mine was to start and complete a small craft project, specifically to decorate a miniature MDF Birdhouse, and I am happy to report that I have achieved my goal!

This is the blank birdhouse:

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It is a first attempt, I experimented with some stamping inks which I thought were solvent based, turns out they weren’t, so when I painted the varnish over the print it ran. Fortunately, I had only used this stamp on one area and was able to wipe it off and then re-apply using the solvent based inks I had used for the remainder of the project. But I am encouraged to do more crafting, I really enjoyed the sticking, stamping, painting in the flowers and varnishing the little birdhouse.

And this is the finished project:

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Creativity is something I aspire to immerse myself in, but I seem to spend more time looking for ideas in Pinterest than actually working on a project. One of my goals for this year is to give myself time to work on crafting and sewing, I am hopeful that this is an achievable goal.

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Although still suffering from fatigue, generally speaking, I feel much more myself, more mentally alert than I have done for some time. My skin is working its way through the healing process, the redness has progressed to looking more like a dirty sun burn, and has started to peel.  The random stabbing pains in my breasts can be troublesome at times and sleeping varies from uncomfortable through to painful. If I lay awkwardly in my sleep, it can take a while for the pain to subside, sometimes I can’t find a comfortable position for my arms, this is all quite normal after treatment for breast cancer, but that doesn’t stop it being frustrating. I carried too much the other day and suffered for it during the night, a lesson learned in moderation, just when I feel I should be healed enough, my body reminds me that I am not.

Ann, who leads the relaxation classes at the Lynda Jackson Macmillan Centre is qualified in lots of therapeutic things including Yoga and is also a retired Nurse, made me feel like a naughty child last week for saying that I was planning to go back to work in a few weeks. She says I shouldn’t rush back, should give my mind and body plenty of time to come to terms with the Cancer diagnosis and treatment, this has been a recurring opinion from many of the health care team I have seen over the past few months. I told Ann it felt like I was being told off by my mum, what I didn’t say was that like my teenage self, I will do what I feel I have to do and return to work part time in two weeks’ time anyway. I will do what I can, I may surprise myself and hit the ground running, or I may struggle with lack of concentration and with fatigue, time will tell.

I do worry about the concentration issue, as with all breast cancer patients, to keep my chest, shoulder and arm muscles and tendons supple I have a thrice daily exercise routine, the practice for these is to do each exercise five times, and some to a count of ten. Sounds simple doesn’t it, but I cannot manage to count to ten and also remember how many repetitions I have done. I start off OK, I can count to ten but then my mind wanders and I forget where I am up to with the repetitions.

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Today has been a bad day, low energy and what started as a low grade headache has progressed to a full blown one, with tense shoulders and neck to go with it. I have the second session of the HOPE Course in the morning so I’m heading off to bed with some painkillers and hope for the best that it will be gone when I wake up.

The Three Principals (via Avaaz)

Avaaz is a campaigning site which organises petitions and action to give people a voice, this is what they say about themselves:

Avaaz—meaning “voice” in several European, Middle Eastern and Asian languages—launched in 2007 with a simple democratic mission: organize citizens of all nations to close the gap between the world we have and the world most people everywhere want. The Avaaz community campaigns in 15 languages, served by a core team on 6 continents and thousands of volunteers. We take action — signing petitions, funding media campaigns and direct actions, emailing, calling and lobbying governments, and organizing “offline” protests and events — to ensure that the views and values of the world’s people inform the decisions that affect us all.

Recently, on their web site, they had a New Year Pledge campaign called ‘The Three Principals’ which are:

  1. Show Kindness and Respect: We will show kindness and respect towards ourselves and others whenever possible. And it’s always possible, because everyone we meet is fighting a battle we may know nothing about.
  2. Strive for Wisdom: We will seek to be wise in our decisions, listening deeply to ourselves and others, and balancing our heads, hearts and intuitions in a harmony that feels right.
  3. Practice Gratitude: We will regularly reflect on what we’re grateful for, because it brings perspective, dissolves negativity, and grounds us in what’s most important.

These are the principals by which I like to live my life so I have joined the programme and hope to maintain all three throughout this year and beyond, particularly the principal ‘Strive for Wisdom’, heaven knows, I can do with more of this!

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I covered ‘Kindness and Respect’ very briefly in my previous blog, so have been thinking about ‘Wisdom’ today.

In writing this blog I have been collecting wisdom, from the women who follow my blog I have learned a great deal about the big issues surrounding this disease and also the little issues, and the things which keep us going, that sustain us through the bad days. Reading about the experience of other women with Breast Cancer has taught me much, and for this I am grateful. Even though I am unlikely to meet any of the women in the blogging community of which I am a part, I count them among my friends, we are sharing an experience and sense of companionship during what is a difficult time in our lives. Our Cancers may be at different stages, require different treatments, but we have the same goal, to share our experiences and to hope that someone may be helped by reading about them. Most importantly, to know that there are other women out there across the world who understand how we are feeling because they are going through similar issues right now, or have ‘been there’ and made it out of the ‘chaos’.

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Over the last few years I have moved away from the Christian Church towards Earth Centred Pagan beliefs, I am not yet settled in a particular ‘Path’. I do still believe in Jesus, and God, but do not believe God was a single parent, the Goddess is very important to me and is my principal deity in all her dimensions.

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Whilst learning about Pagan ‘religions’ I have been to numerous events, courses, classes and workshops. One course was training to be a ‘Sister of Avalon’, learning to be a Priestess of the Goddess. For eight weekends over the course of a year, I travelled to Glastonbury to join my fellow trainees, we were a group of twenty, one man and the rest women. The most significant thing I learned from this experience was that sharing our troubles and difficulties within a small group was immensely healing. For a short time each weekend, we divided in to groups of four, using the ‘talking stick’ method of sharing, the Wikipedia explanation reads:

‘The talking stick, also called a speaker’s staff, is an instrument of aboriginal democracy used by many tribes, especially those of indigenous peoples of the Northwest Coast of North America.’

In practice it means that the person holding the stick (or any other symbolic item) is the only person allowed to talk. Our group sessions were structured so that each person had a set amount of time to speak whilst their three ‘sisters’ silently listened, when the time was up, a bell was rung, and the stick was passed on to the next person. The subject/question we were to talk about was given to us by our tutor, they would be quite meaty issues, the topics and the words spoken about them could challenge, and sometimes bring the speaker to tears. The ‘listeners’ were not allowed to interrupt, offer advice, ask questions or to physically comfort the ‘speaker’. We were allowed to talk more together about any issues which had come up in the session during our lunch break, or at the end of the day. By doing this, each of us had time to consider what had been said, and decide if words of advice might be worthwhile, or if a sympathetic hug was what was most needed. Often a hug was all that was needed to convey our understanding of, and respect for each other.  

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Once I got used to this system of sharing, I came to appreciate the beauty of the silent love, acceptance, and support in my group, and this is truly a wonderful thing.

We were four women with very different lives, upbringings, expectations and desires, but this made absolutely no difference to the high regard in which we held each other, a feeling which grew over the year we spent learning, sharing and working together.

There were occasions that we gathered with our ‘sisters’ to create crafts related to the Wheel of the Year, these could be ‘talking stick’ times or times for silent meditative working. There is such a sense of joy in creating with women who have become dear to you, the feeling of companionship and sisterly love grows stronger with each task. I imagine our ancestral mothers would have felt the same as they worked together, sharing skills, stories, song and wisdom.

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In our modern society, many of us have lost the companionship and support of our families and neighbours once enjoyed when we lived as members of a tribe, or small community. When we needed help with problems and challenges in our lives, we didn’t need to search the internet, all that we needed was to be found in our tribe, the wisdom of our elders was there for the asking, and their life-learned knowledge treated with respect and reverence.

Many times in my life I have found myself thinking that several trips to the doctor could have been avoided if I had the resource of experienced, older women to take my ‘women’s problems’ to. Somehow ‘Internet Forums’ don’t quite do it for me, I do now have the benefit of one wise friend who has a diverse knowledge of life and shares a similar faith, and for her I am so thankful. I also have my two sisters and friends who support me ‘virtually’ and in person and they are very precious to me too.

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I think this ‘community of women’ is a deep seated need, I have been searching for my ‘tribe’s women’ for most of my adult life, and maybe now I am finding them.

This time last year I wanted to begin a ‘Women’s Spiritual Sharing Circle’, unfortunately, I never moved from the ‘want’ to the ‘action’ stage, but then maybe the time wasn’t right, it was at this point that I developed Clinical Depression. The Circle is still ‘on the back burner’ I would love to be part of a group, if it means I have to set it up myself then bring it on! All I need is a small group of like-minded women to join me and we’d be off! Don’t worry, there will be no nudity, I just liked this photo and the text!

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In the hope that some of my local ‘readership’ might be interested, here are some links which will give you an idea about how a group could work:

http://www.essential-wisdom.com/womens_circle.html

http://awakeningwomen.com/2010/01/31/awakening-women-global-sisterhood-manifesto/

The first link is more detailed about the circle, the second contains excellent principals.

So ladies, if you would like to join, get in touch with me and we can get ourselves organised. 🙂

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Sore Nips and Weariness

So how are things? Well much the same really, both Nipples are sore and have random spells of having sharp pains. The burning on my skin from the ‘Radiotherapy Booster’ sessions is clearly visible on my skin, both sides. You can probably see the square redness from the Booster beam in the photo.

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It is getting more itchy and flaky now which is a nuisance, but not as much of a nuisance as the hot flushes which are annoying me now, I can feel the heat building in my back as I sit writing this. I have now given in and stripped off my shirt, I seem to be spending more evenings wearing just a vest and skirt/trousers, it feels like being in the tropics!

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I have needed to have an afternoon snooze for the last few days and have slept well at night time so I must be needing it at the moment. I wonder how long this will go on for, I would like to be back at work, and I’m beginning to miss my colleagues and thinking about my work building up, so I hope this weariness goes away soon.

It is frustrating feeling so lacking in energy for a fair proportion of the time, still I will reach the two weeks post Radiotherapy point on Wednesday, so in theory I should begin to pick up, I certainly hope so.

This week I will be beginning a six week HOPE course (Help Overcoming Problems Effectively) at the Cancer Centre, one of the topics on the programme is coping with fatigue, this will be very welcome!

On Saturday we went to Hemel, Megan needed to return a bracelet we gave her for Christmas as it had a faulty clasp. When we pulled up in the car park, a man approached us asking if we could spare him some money for his bus fare to Aylesbury as his mum was ill and he wanted to visit her. He explained that he was homeless and had no spare money, I can hear the cynics shouting ‘it is a sob story, he just wants the money for booze/drugs/cigarettes’, but we all felt he was genuine, he wasn’t drunk or stoned. Ray and I agreed we would give him the money for the bus fare, someone very dear to us has been temporarily homeless and we understand how awful this can be. I feel very strongly about how many people in our communities are suffering as a result of government policies, I can get really angry about it, so I’m going to leave it there.2014-09-05 13.25.01

There are so many things I would like to do this year, I’m just waiting for sufficient energy to get started. Megan and I have enrolled on an Art Journalling Course which begins in Mid-February, I am looking forward to the course especially as Megan will be doing it too. I have all these art and craft materials stored away just waiting for me to have the motivation to make a start on something.

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A Trip to the Eye Hospital

Today was Pre-Op Assessment day for the removal of the Scleral Buckle in my left eye. I had my blood pressure taken from my leg for the first time, the cuff went round my calf muscle, it was a little uncomfortable, I felt like I was about to get cramp, but it was all done quickly and as I will be having local anaesthetic there was no need for blood tests. The operation will probably be in February but I have been put on the ‘Short Notice List’ so may get to have it sooner if someone else cancels. So after a remarkably short visit Ray and I set off home.

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It was a beautiful sunny morning, we were very surprised to see Daffodils blooming on one of the grass verges! It seems very early to see Daffodils in bloom, I just checked on the RHS Website and they say that the flowering season is February to early May. So they are early, it is lovely to see the first signs that Spring is on the way. I am looking forward to seeing the lambs, they are simply lovely!

Lambs

I have been thinking that I have been rather unfair to my right boobie, in a previous post, I said that my left breast was being the ‘perfect patient’, however, its halo has slipped somewhat over the last few days. It is on this side that the blistering has been causing a problem. When I changed the dressing this morning, the skin over the first blister came away with it (sorry if this is too much information), I also noticed that there is a new blister on the Areola, ah well, only a few more weeks and it should all be healing up. Even with the twice daily moisturising regime, my right breast has started to peel, I certainly wouldn’t make it through an audition as a glamour model! Just as well I have never aspired to bearing my body for profit 🙂

Fernando Botero - Girls with Fruit

After lunch Ray and I did some tidying in our sitting room, it wasn’t that much and didn’t take long but it exhausted me. I went for a lay down and slept for three hours, when Ray brought me a coffee at 6:30 I was completely disoriented. I woke thinking it was Saturday morning and noticing Ray was dressed said to him that he was having his hair cut today! Ray looked confused, I then realised that it wasn’t morning or Saturday either! Oh dear, Ray does have a haircut booked on Saturday, so at least I got one thing right! This Radiotherapy fatigue is messing with my head, well that is my excuse, and I’m sticking to it 🙂

Today seems to be a ‘hot flush’ day, I have days like this, there doesn’t seem to be any regularity to them, it is very unpredictable. I have stripped down to my vest top (not back to wearing a bra yet, and won’t be until the Radiotherapy burning heals), but my back still feels like it is burning up. I can’t find an expected time scale for these Tamoxifen induced flushes to come to an end, it appears that everyone has a different experience, I think I will be on the hunt for one of those antique style fans to keep in my handbag for when I am ‘feeling the heat’.

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