Gratitude

I have been neglecting my blog writing for too long, the last few weeks have been busy and stressful, and I have been concentrating my literary efforts on posting a daily gratitude diary on my Facebook page in an effort to look for all that is good in my life.

Two weeks ago I had an emotional crisis regarding work, I was tired, very tired and even though still only working 22 ½ hours each week, was too weary to do anything constructive after work. It was getting me down, our house has been getting more and more messy through my lack of energy and enthusiasm to do anything other than look at it and get more fed up that I wasn’t able to do anything to rectify the situation.

I talked with Ray about all that was bothering me, we discussed me giving up work or carrying on working part-time with an advisory certificate from my doctor. I resolved to speak to my Director and did so two weeks ago, I explained how I was feeling and that as I have no idea if, or when, I might feel that I have enough stamina to go back to full time hours, asked formally for consideration to be given to allowing me to permanently reduce my hours to three days each week.

Thankfully, he agreed to think about it and would let me know as soon as possible what had been decided. I am absolutely delighted to report that it has been agreed for me to reduce my working week to three days, and with effect from 1^st May, I will work Monday’s, Wednesday’s and Friday’s. I cannot properly put in to words just how relieved I am about this, it feels like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders, money will be tight, but at least I will not have the constant stress of worrying about being fit to return to full time working hours.

This news gave me a real boost, so much so that I actually decided to do some housework on Saturday afternoon. I am happy to report that I cleaned our bathroom for the first time since before my operation last October. Now wait!! It has been cleaned since then, just not by me!! The lovely Megan has been taking care of it 🙂

When that was all done, I set to putting together a new cupboard for the bathroom, I got fed up with buying cheap second hand storage which doesn’t quite do the job so I splashed out on a new unit. I managed to build it all by myself, and it stores loads more than any of the other previous unsatisfactory cupboards and looks good too! All in all a productive afternoon 🙂

This week, work started on preparing the base for my Summer House/Craft Studio, in a few weeks I will be able to move all my equipment in there and we will have our dining room back!

On Thursday, for the first time since surgery for Bi-lateral Breast Cancer, I have took Shadow for a walk to Captains Wood. I particularly wanted to go there to see the Bluebells, and it was worth the effort, simply beautiful! Then I had Liza’s company on a trip to Homebase and Sainsburys. In the afternoon I sorted through a massive amount of books my dear friend Jan had given me, and also went through our bookshelves. I managed to clear some space on our bookshelves which were getting rather full and to pack up the books I didn’t want to keep ready to try to sell to a second hand book dealer and get them loaded in to the boot of my car, they were a bit too heavy really but I managed it! In the evening, Ray and I have taken our first trip to Ikea since we have been ill, the restaurant now has Lamb Shanks on the menu, and they were delicious! We got the storage boxes and replacement loo seat we went for plus some other bits and bobs. We were both very tired when we got home and pleased to get to bed.

At Homebase, I bought a large terracotta saucer from the garden centre, so that I can start putting bird seed out again, we used to sprinkle it on the pond patio but it kept getting in between the slabs and sprouting, so we stopped doing that. I covered the bottom of the saucer with bird seed and it was all gone when I got home on Friday afternoon, so I put more seed in it, and have enjoyed looking out, watching the wood pigeons and turtle doves feeding. We have one bossy wood pigeon who spends so much time trying to chase all the other pigeons away that he hardly gets to eat anything, it is very funny to see them chasing about on the lawn 🙂 The little birds used to be frequent visitors too, but seem to have not noticed that we have put food out yet, I’m sure they will return soon. There is one pigeon that Liza has nicknamed ‘Mr fatty’ because he is so large, this is a picture I took of him last summer.

Today, between Ray, Megan and I, our front room is tidy and clean for the first time in months, Ray vacuumed, Megan and I dusted, I stripped the throws off the futons, and Megan put clean ones on, I took down the net curtain for a wash, cleaned the inside of the windows, and ironed the clean curtain and put it back up. It has been so satisfying to sit in our clean and tidy front room this evening, with candles lit in the hearth, and the fairy lights switched on, ah bliss!

Last time I wrote, I was about to go for an Ultrasound scan, physically, it was bearable, I did have an aspiration of the fluid, it was a little painful but not too bad. The fluid was sent for analysis and I heard today that it is nothing to worry about, apparently, the right side lumpiness at the excision site is caused by a thick-walled cyst and the fluid is as would be expected, so nothing to worry about. The area of discomfort away from the operation site showed nothing abnormal and is most likely a side effect of healing from Radiotherapy.

The emotional effects of having the ultrasound were further reaching, and this is why I have taken so long to write another blog. This is the only appointment I have gone to alone, as it was such short notice, Ray wasn’t able to get the time off to go with me.

Sitting waiting to be called, I looked around the busy waiting area, it was fairly easy to speculate by the expressions on their and their companions’ faces whether the women waiting were on their first call back, waiting to get biopsy results, for post-op or post treatment check-ups,. There was only one other woman on her own, I didn’t mind being alone, I kind of felt like a senior student observing the ‘newbies’ and more experienced students on the first day of the academic year.

I did not anticipate how I would feel having the ultrasound. I was totally fixated on the screen trying to see if the images were anything like those I saw when I went for the biopsies last September. The nursing staff assured me that there was nothing suspicious to see, but would aspirate the fluid to relieve the pressure. It was a little painful, rather like having a blood test, the nursing staff are so kind and compassionate, and they really took care to treat me kindly.

During the afternoon and evening I could feel myself sinking, having the ultrasound brought back all those feelings from when I was tested and diagnosed with Bi-Lateral Breast Cancer. It really knocked me sideways for the rest of last week.

The low mood was pervasive, I could not seem to shake it off and it made me doubt and question decisions I have made recently and unusually for me, to regret one of them in particular.

Josh’s girlfriend Liza, passed her driving test on Thursday, I was so pleased for her, we took them out for dinner to celebrate, I kicked myself up the bum and put on a happy attitude for the evening. But on Friday I felt just as low.

The weekend was good, Megan and I went to art journaling class on Saturday, I put all my feelings in to my journal, it was very therapeutic. On Sunday Ray cut the grass for the first time this year, the garden looks lovely now. I did some weeding between the patio stones and cleaned out and re-filled the bird feeders, something which I have been meaning to do for weeks. Being outside in the sunshine did me the power of good and I am feeling better now.

I have started to make a list each day of what I am grateful for after reading this post on Sue Fitzmaurice’s Facebook page:

Today I am grateful for a beautiful warm day, for a productive short-day at work, the colours of daffodils ranging from white to deep yellow and the tree blossom from white to cerise, for it being warm enough to have all my car windows open on the drive home, the smell of a bonfire, bringing back good memories of times in the garden where I grew up tending a fire of garden waste with my Dad, and also the scent of fresh mown grass, one of my most favourite smells and guaranteed to raise my mood.

deerutty

Daily Life – coping with Depression and recovery from Breast Cancer

It’s been too long!

A Shortish Catch Up.