The Three Principals (via Avaaz)

Avaaz is a campaigning site which organises petitions and action to give people a voice, this is what they say about themselves:

Avaaz—meaning “voice” in several European, Middle Eastern and Asian languages—launched in 2007 with a simple democratic mission: organize citizens of all nations to close the gap between the world we have and the world most people everywhere want. The Avaaz community campaigns in 15 languages, served by a core team on 6 continents and thousands of volunteers. We take action — signing petitions, funding media campaigns and direct actions, emailing, calling and lobbying governments, and organizing “offline” protests and events — to ensure that the views and values of the world’s people inform the decisions that affect us all.

Recently, on their web site, they had a New Year Pledge campaign called ‘The Three Principals’ which are:

  1. Show Kindness and Respect: We will show kindness and respect towards ourselves and others whenever possible. And it’s always possible, because everyone we meet is fighting a battle we may know nothing about.
  2. Strive for Wisdom: We will seek to be wise in our decisions, listening deeply to ourselves and others, and balancing our heads, hearts and intuitions in a harmony that feels right.
  3. Practice Gratitude: We will regularly reflect on what we’re grateful for, because it brings perspective, dissolves negativity, and grounds us in what’s most important.

These are the principals by which I like to live my life so I have joined the programme and hope to maintain all three throughout this year and beyond, particularly the principal ‘Strive for Wisdom’, heaven knows, I can do with more of this!

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I covered ‘Kindness and Respect’ very briefly in my previous blog, so have been thinking about ‘Wisdom’ today.

In writing this blog I have been collecting wisdom, from the women who follow my blog I have learned a great deal about the big issues surrounding this disease and also the little issues, and the things which keep us going, that sustain us through the bad days. Reading about the experience of other women with Breast Cancer has taught me much, and for this I am grateful. Even though I am unlikely to meet any of the women in the blogging community of which I am a part, I count them among my friends, we are sharing an experience and sense of companionship during what is a difficult time in our lives. Our Cancers may be at different stages, require different treatments, but we have the same goal, to share our experiences and to hope that someone may be helped by reading about them. Most importantly, to know that there are other women out there across the world who understand how we are feeling because they are going through similar issues right now, or have ‘been there’ and made it out of the ‘chaos’.

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Over the last few years I have moved away from the Christian Church towards Earth Centred Pagan beliefs, I am not yet settled in a particular ‘Path’. I do still believe in Jesus, and God, but do not believe God was a single parent, the Goddess is very important to me and is my principal deity in all her dimensions.

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Whilst learning about Pagan ‘religions’ I have been to numerous events, courses, classes and workshops. One course was training to be a ‘Sister of Avalon’, learning to be a Priestess of the Goddess. For eight weekends over the course of a year, I travelled to Glastonbury to join my fellow trainees, we were a group of twenty, one man and the rest women. The most significant thing I learned from this experience was that sharing our troubles and difficulties within a small group was immensely healing. For a short time each weekend, we divided in to groups of four, using the ‘talking stick’ method of sharing, the Wikipedia explanation reads:

‘The talking stick, also called a speaker’s staff, is an instrument of aboriginal democracy used by many tribes, especially those of indigenous peoples of the Northwest Coast of North America.’

In practice it means that the person holding the stick (or any other symbolic item) is the only person allowed to talk. Our group sessions were structured so that each person had a set amount of time to speak whilst their three ‘sisters’ silently listened, when the time was up, a bell was rung, and the stick was passed on to the next person. The subject/question we were to talk about was given to us by our tutor, they would be quite meaty issues, the topics and the words spoken about them could challenge, and sometimes bring the speaker to tears. The ‘listeners’ were not allowed to interrupt, offer advice, ask questions or to physically comfort the ‘speaker’. We were allowed to talk more together about any issues which had come up in the session during our lunch break, or at the end of the day. By doing this, each of us had time to consider what had been said, and decide if words of advice might be worthwhile, or if a sympathetic hug was what was most needed. Often a hug was all that was needed to convey our understanding of, and respect for each other.  

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Once I got used to this system of sharing, I came to appreciate the beauty of the silent love, acceptance, and support in my group, and this is truly a wonderful thing.

We were four women with very different lives, upbringings, expectations and desires, but this made absolutely no difference to the high regard in which we held each other, a feeling which grew over the year we spent learning, sharing and working together.

There were occasions that we gathered with our ‘sisters’ to create crafts related to the Wheel of the Year, these could be ‘talking stick’ times or times for silent meditative working. There is such a sense of joy in creating with women who have become dear to you, the feeling of companionship and sisterly love grows stronger with each task. I imagine our ancestral mothers would have felt the same as they worked together, sharing skills, stories, song and wisdom.

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In our modern society, many of us have lost the companionship and support of our families and neighbours once enjoyed when we lived as members of a tribe, or small community. When we needed help with problems and challenges in our lives, we didn’t need to search the internet, all that we needed was to be found in our tribe, the wisdom of our elders was there for the asking, and their life-learned knowledge treated with respect and reverence.

Many times in my life I have found myself thinking that several trips to the doctor could have been avoided if I had the resource of experienced, older women to take my ‘women’s problems’ to. Somehow ‘Internet Forums’ don’t quite do it for me, I do now have the benefit of one wise friend who has a diverse knowledge of life and shares a similar faith, and for her I am so thankful. I also have my two sisters and friends who support me ‘virtually’ and in person and they are very precious to me too.

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I think this ‘community of women’ is a deep seated need, I have been searching for my ‘tribe’s women’ for most of my adult life, and maybe now I am finding them.

This time last year I wanted to begin a ‘Women’s Spiritual Sharing Circle’, unfortunately, I never moved from the ‘want’ to the ‘action’ stage, but then maybe the time wasn’t right, it was at this point that I developed Clinical Depression. The Circle is still ‘on the back burner’ I would love to be part of a group, if it means I have to set it up myself then bring it on! All I need is a small group of like-minded women to join me and we’d be off! Don’t worry, there will be no nudity, I just liked this photo and the text!

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In the hope that some of my local ‘readership’ might be interested, here are some links which will give you an idea about how a group could work:

http://www.essential-wisdom.com/womens_circle.html

http://awakeningwomen.com/2010/01/31/awakening-women-global-sisterhood-manifesto/

The first link is more detailed about the circle, the second contains excellent principals.

So ladies, if you would like to join, get in touch with me and we can get ourselves organised. 🙂

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Sore Nips and Weariness

So how are things? Well much the same really, both Nipples are sore and have random spells of having sharp pains. The burning on my skin from the ‘Radiotherapy Booster’ sessions is clearly visible on my skin, both sides. You can probably see the square redness from the Booster beam in the photo.

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It is getting more itchy and flaky now which is a nuisance, but not as much of a nuisance as the hot flushes which are annoying me now, I can feel the heat building in my back as I sit writing this. I have now given in and stripped off my shirt, I seem to be spending more evenings wearing just a vest and skirt/trousers, it feels like being in the tropics!

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I have needed to have an afternoon snooze for the last few days and have slept well at night time so I must be needing it at the moment. I wonder how long this will go on for, I would like to be back at work, and I’m beginning to miss my colleagues and thinking about my work building up, so I hope this weariness goes away soon.

It is frustrating feeling so lacking in energy for a fair proportion of the time, still I will reach the two weeks post Radiotherapy point on Wednesday, so in theory I should begin to pick up, I certainly hope so.

This week I will be beginning a six week HOPE course (Help Overcoming Problems Effectively) at the Cancer Centre, one of the topics on the programme is coping with fatigue, this will be very welcome!

On Saturday we went to Hemel, Megan needed to return a bracelet we gave her for Christmas as it had a faulty clasp. When we pulled up in the car park, a man approached us asking if we could spare him some money for his bus fare to Aylesbury as his mum was ill and he wanted to visit her. He explained that he was homeless and had no spare money, I can hear the cynics shouting ‘it is a sob story, he just wants the money for booze/drugs/cigarettes’, but we all felt he was genuine, he wasn’t drunk or stoned. Ray and I agreed we would give him the money for the bus fare, someone very dear to us has been temporarily homeless and we understand how awful this can be. I feel very strongly about how many people in our communities are suffering as a result of government policies, I can get really angry about it, so I’m going to leave it there.2014-09-05 13.25.01

There are so many things I would like to do this year, I’m just waiting for sufficient energy to get started. Megan and I have enrolled on an Art Journalling Course which begins in Mid-February, I am looking forward to the course especially as Megan will be doing it too. I have all these art and craft materials stored away just waiting for me to have the motivation to make a start on something.

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Moving Forward and a Setback

This morning I had a regular appointment with my GP as my sickness certificate expired today. I felt really sore yesterday, then this morning I noticed that the skin around my nipples was blistering and also that the left side was weeping. After having a look the verdict was that the blistering is infected so my doctor prescribed antibiotic cream, an oil based cream to use instead of the E45, and antihistamine tablets to help ease the itchiness which usually starts up in the late afternoon. I also came away with another sickness certificate for the next four weeks to give the infection chance to clear up, and for my skin to recover before I return to work. I am very sore this evening, as I sit writing this my nipples feel like they are burning, it is very uncomfortable.

I am feeling sad this evening, partly because of having an infection, I have taken so much care of my skin since my operations that I am disappointed about getting it. But also because of a conversation earlier today in which my commitment to work was questioned. I have been thinking about it this afternoon and feel hurt that this person said what they did, yes, I was off work last year for several weeks with severe depression, I did not choose to be off work, I was not fit for work. As soon as the medication started to work properly and I began to be able to function, I went back to work. It took a lot of effort to get myself back in to my job, I had made so much progress over the few months, and I felt I was ‘back to normal’.

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I also did not choose to then have Bi-lateral Breast Cancer, it is not something anyone would choose is it? I would understand if I had been off with flu or toothache or something equally minor. But I have had Bi-lateral surgery, yes the Cancers have been removed, yes I have had Radiotherapy and have been prescribed Tamoxifen for the next five years to help reduce the chances of the Cancer recurring, but in medical terms I am not cured yet, I am in remission.

Cancer is not something you can just ‘bounce back’ from, it is now a part of who I am, and will continue to be part of my life for some time, in a few weeks’ I will be back to hospital for my check-up appointment with the Oncologist. Then in November I will be back to have the first of five annual Mammograms.

I hope that after five years I will be able to say that I am cured, however, I am well aware from the experience of other women that the Cancer may return, I’m not being pessimistic, I am facing a reality. My Cancer being Bi-lateral increases the chance of a recurrence, that’s just the way it is, I hope to be one of the lucky ones, but only time will tell.

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But life goes on, and tomorrow is a new day, I intend to make it a good one!

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More Downs

Saturday – the weather was lovely, Ray drove me to collect some craft bits which had been offered on Freegle, as it was so warm and sunny we stopped off in Amersham for a wander round the shops. I saw an ex-colleague who retired recently from the company I work for, it was lovely to see her and have a quick catch up. She hadn’t heard about my diagnosis and was shocked when I told her. When I talk about the cancer I don’t really feeling anything, I am wondering if/when my emotions will find their way to the surface? Just as long as they don’t get ugly!

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We didn’t do much in the afternoon, I did have a snooze, probably need to report when I manage to stay awake all day – it happens so rarely it would be more newsworthy!, had a lazy takeaway meal in the evening watching ‘Strictly’ and then Dr Who.

I had a ‘down’ spell at bed time, there is a seroma buildingup in my right arm pit again and I am growing impatient to be ‘back to normal’. It can be a struggle to stay positive and upbeat, sometimes I don’t have the energy to maintain it.

Sunday – Ray and I have to get our kitchen emptied as it is having a re-fit starting on Wednesday. Ray has done the bulk of the work, I managed some light packing up, but other than that was ‘director of operations’ for the day. I do not like feeling that I am not pulling my weight, not doing a fair share of the cooking, shopping, household chores etc, Ray has enough with his job, and not being able to help him really upsets me.

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My life has been challenging for the last two years, in the early summer of 2013, Ray’s mum was terminally ill with Metastatic Ovarian Cancer. In the midst of her final weeks I had a problem with my left eye, it transpired that I had a Detached Retina and had to have emergency surgery to save the sight in the eye. Our son had moved back home earlier in the year and on the day that Ray moved our daughter back home from Woolwich, his mum passed away.

Over last winter I developed Depression, this was the fourth time I had needed anti-depressant medication, but the black dog was reluctant to release its’ grip this time. It took building up to the strongest dose and lots of time to overcome it, it is a good thing that I will be taking anti-depressants for quite a while longer. Being told that I have cancer throws up the question ‘what next?’

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Now that the ‘flurry’ of the diagnosis and operation have passed, I find that I am beginning to have spells of dwelling on the ‘what ifs’ – what if I need Chemotherapy – what if the cancer comes back… some days are worse than others. I am grateful for days when the sun shines, the gloomy, wet days can be problematic.

But tomorrow is another day, a fresh start, I will probably need to take a trip to have the seroma aspirated again, but will work round this to give myself some time to focus on a Creativity e-course I have joined. It started on Saturday – I didn’t…. so I am behind schedule with it, but hope to catch up over the next few days. Hoping motivation and inspiration in abundance find me soon!

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