They are assistanting the workmen, although they could be better looking, they both have rather odd complexions, long noses which resemble elephants trunks and gormless smiles, ah well, can’t have everything I suppose 😀

        

The bathroom and kitchen are coming along nicely, the radiator in our bathroom should have been changed the other day but the fitter wasn’t the greatest, he spoke to Ray on the phone about what size radiator should be installed but the conversation didn’t go well, Ray lost it, he told the guy to p*ss off and send someone who knew what he was doing, oh dear! So the plumbing company sent out a different technician today, he did our boiler replacement recently and just got on with the job without any problem. Our bathroom is now warm and toasty, the old radiator just wasn’t up to the job!

So the last two days have been much more bearable, I managed to go out yesterday, Workaid had a really useful tool to hold embroidery hoops. I gave it a try in the afternoon, it is so much easier to work on Dreamcatchers when I have both hands free. The Dreamcatcher I am working on was supposed to be ready for Halloween so is an all black design, here is the progress so far –

 

I continued working on it, progress is slow as I often have to stop to rest as my shoulders and chest begin to hurt. My body is having odd aches and pains, I woke with my left side aching like it does if I’ve been laid on it too long, but as I am still uncomfortable I can’t lay on my side, I am sleeping on my back with pillows under my knees so have no idea where the aches came from.

But things are progressing, I have managed without napping two days this week and had one day without painkillers until the early evening. I am beginning to feel more positive, I have read that having a diagnosis of Cancer brings with it the same stages of grief as with a bereavement:

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Maybe I won’t go through all of these or maybe they are still to come or maybe I’ve got it all back to front, ‘Acceptance’ was pretty much my first response on hearing the diagnosis.

Since writing about ‘acceptance’ I have been thinking more about it, I think it may be more accurately described as over-acceptance as I didn’t resist it at all. Since witnessing my dad’s slow decline and suffering at the hands of this disease, I resolved that should I ever be diagnosed with cancer I would give the Doctors time to treat it, but if it progressed, that I would be taking matters in to my own hands and checking out. I feel quite strongly about this as it was awful for us to see our dad in so much pain from increasingly invasive operations and pain from the cancer itself, I wouldn’t want Ray and my children to have to witness a similar experience. But now that I am a cancer patient myself, it is much more complex than that.

On hearing my ‘news’ so many people have responded with the clichéd ‘keep positive and fight’ this is complete crap to be honest, like many experiences, you don’t know how you will feel until it happens to you. I understand that often people don’t know what to say, and that’s OK, but my message is this – you don’t actually need to say anything, a hug speaks more loudly than any words can. And if you are not physically close enough to give a hug then maybe a simple ‘I’m thinking of / praying for / will light a candle for / am sending healing thoughts for you’ will be much appreciated. We are all individuals and will take the diagnosis and the reactions of our loved ones and friends differently, this is my perspective.

Yesterday evening I decided to try cooking our evening meal, I had to wing it to cobble a meal together, we haven’t been buying much food what with the kitchen being refitted so had to have a hunt around for ingredients, everyone enjoyed the meal of chicken breasts with tomato and cheese, pasta and stir fry veggies or sweetcorn.

This morning I woke feeling significantly more optimistic than I have since before 1^st October. I can get through this, I will survive it and, universe willing, will still be around to enjoy retirement, see Megan and Josh settled in their own homes, and should they choose to do so, be married and have children.

It helps that my body is healing, I am in less discomfort and the Seroma issue is settling down, my right underarm is only slightly swollen, but not enough to need aspirating and I have not needed to  put a dressing over it. As the healing progresses I get the odd twinge but nothing unbearable, I still tire easily, towards the end of the day everything between my stomach and shoulders aches and I reach a point when I just have to go to bed. All this is to be expected, I am finally acknowledging that this is a stressful, tiring experience. After waking in such a happy, positive state of mind this morning my mood fell considerably when the postman dropped a letter from Mount Vernon Hospital with two appointments next week. But I’m learning to pick myself back up from these reminders of the reality of cancer and have had a good day, yes really!

Ray has gone to visit his Dad today, I would have liked to go with him but appreciate that the hour and a half journey each way would be too much. I had already cancelled a day out today with Jan for the same reason, I am very disappointed, I’ve been so looking forward to spending the day with her. We were going to Witchfest in London, I’ve been wanting to go for ages, hopefully next year!

I consoled myself with a drive to Chesham, a browse at the Methodist Church Craft Fair, the charity shops, (overpriced!) French Market and bought some tasty treats for Ray and I in Mr Simms Sweet Shop. Just had to have a snooze this afternoon, all the excitement fair wore me out!