Thursday afternoon I collected my first pack of Tamoxifen tablets, Tamoxifen blocks the effects of oestrogen on the breast cancer cells, a bit like depriving a plant of fertiliser, to stop them from growing. When I picked them up from the chemists, a feeling of hopelessness overcame me, it was another reinforcement of my diagnosis, that scary ‘cancer’ word. I sat in my car for a while just thinking, brooding about it.

Friday morning I was to have the first tablet, I feel really reluctant to take the medication, this will be a daily routine for at least five years and I’m not happy about it. My body must be sympathising with my thoughts as I really struggled to get it down, my first attempt to swallow the tablet didn’t work, it stayed stuck in my mouth. It took several sips of my drink to wash it down, I could feel it lodging in my throat, not pleasant at all.

I’m not relishing the most common side effect of Tamoxifen, a resurgence of hot flushes, they have already increased since I stopped taking HRT, so having those made worse is not welcome.

Sometimes, I wonder about it being preferable for this disease take hold, rather than having the constant worry of it coming back.

My mood is low, earlier I watched a video on Facebook of cats failing at jumping, it was so funny I actually laughed out loud at some of the cats, poor things. The cat’s jumping, then missing their intended landing spots and falling down did help to raise my mood. It sounds a bit cruel now I’ve written it, but they did land on their feet (mostly)!

Before watching the cats I had just felt like crying.

I have my appointment with the Oncologist on Monday so have got my notebook out ready to do some research over the weekend and jot down some questions.

Saturday – Earlier this week, my friend Jenny invited me to go with her to a craft fair at Queens Park Arts Centre where I used to go for Belly Dance Classes. Yesterday I told her I wasn’t going as I didn’t feel up to it but this morning I felt much better and Megan wanted to come too, so Ray offered to drive all of us.

So leaving Ray in the café, Jenny, Megan and I found some pretty things, among our purchases, Jenny bought a knitted Father Christmas for her Granddaughter Ruby, Megan got a pretty necklace and I found a small bag in the same fabric as my sewing machine case, just the right size for sewing odds and ends.

The journey, and being out for longer than I have been for a while was tiring, so I have rested this afternoon.

The Craft Fair has helped to inspire me to start making things again. At the end of every day I have been getting frustrated with myself that yet another day has gone by without me having done anything creative. I know that being creative will be beneficial to my state of mind, but the knowing, and the acting upon it are miles apart, I need to bridge the gap.

So to overcome the temporary problem of not having a table to work at, I have put a ‘wanted’ on Freecycle for a small fold away table, now keeping my fingers crossed that someone will have one going spare for me 🙂