More Downs

Saturday – the weather was lovely, Ray drove me to collect some craft bits which had been offered on Freegle, as it was so warm and sunny we stopped off in Amersham for a wander round the shops. I saw an ex-colleague who retired recently from the company I work for, it was lovely to see her and have a quick catch up. She hadn’t heard about my diagnosis and was shocked when I told her. When I talk about the cancer I don’t really feeling anything, I am wondering if/when my emotions will find their way to the surface? Just as long as they don’t get ugly!

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We didn’t do much in the afternoon, I did have a snooze, probably need to report when I manage to stay awake all day – it happens so rarely it would be more newsworthy!, had a lazy takeaway meal in the evening watching ‘Strictly’ and then Dr Who.

I had a ‘down’ spell at bed time, there is a seroma buildingup in my right arm pit again and I am growing impatient to be ‘back to normal’. It can be a struggle to stay positive and upbeat, sometimes I don’t have the energy to maintain it.

Sunday – Ray and I have to get our kitchen emptied as it is having a re-fit starting on Wednesday. Ray has done the bulk of the work, I managed some light packing up, but other than that was ‘director of operations’ for the day. I do not like feeling that I am not pulling my weight, not doing a fair share of the cooking, shopping, household chores etc, Ray has enough with his job, and not being able to help him really upsets me.

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My life has been challenging for the last two years, in the early summer of 2013, Ray’s mum was terminally ill with Metastatic Ovarian Cancer. In the midst of her final weeks I had a problem with my left eye, it transpired that I had a Detached Retina and had to have emergency surgery to save the sight in the eye. Our son had moved back home earlier in the year and on the day that Ray moved our daughter back home from Woolwich, his mum passed away.

Over last winter I developed Depression, this was the fourth time I had needed anti-depressant medication, but the black dog was reluctant to release its’ grip this time. It took building up to the strongest dose and lots of time to overcome it, it is a good thing that I will be taking anti-depressants for quite a while longer. Being told that I have cancer throws up the question ‘what next?’

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Now that the ‘flurry’ of the diagnosis and operation have passed, I find that I am beginning to have spells of dwelling on the ‘what ifs’ – what if I need Chemotherapy – what if the cancer comes back… some days are worse than others. I am grateful for days when the sun shines, the gloomy, wet days can be problematic.

But tomorrow is another day, a fresh start, I will probably need to take a trip to have the seroma aspirated again, but will work round this to give myself some time to focus on a Creativity e-course I have joined. It started on Saturday – I didn’t…. so I am behind schedule with it, but hope to catch up over the next few days. Hoping motivation and inspiration in abundance find me soon!

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